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In order to be a good Christian, one needs to deal with all the basic issues in a thorough way. If there is one basic issue that is not settled, whether it be the family or one’s occupation, problems will eventually come back. As long as there is one unresolved issue, a Christian will not be able to take a straight path before the Lord.
Today we will cover the subject of marriage. A new believer should know what God’s Word has to say about marriage. We need to consider this subject from various angles.
The first question to address with regard to marriage is the matter of sex. We need to be clear that human beings have an awareness of sex in the same way that they have an awareness of hunger. Just as the consciousness of hunger is a natural demand of the body, the consciousness of sex is also a natural demand of the body. To feel hungry is natural; it is not a sin. But to steal food is sin; that is not natural. Likewise, having a consciousness of sex is natural and is not a sin. But if a person uses improper means to satisfy his demand, he falls into sin.
Marriage was ordained and initiated by God. Hence, the consciousness of sex also was given by God. Marriage is not something that was instituted after man’s fall; it was there before man sinned. It was not instituted after Genesis 3; rather, God ordained marriage in Genesis 2. Hence, the consciousness of sex existed before, not after, sin entered the world. It is definitely not a sin for a person to have the consciousness of sex. There is no element of sin in this consciousness. Rather, it is a consciousness created by God Himself.
New believers must be clear concerning this point. I have contacted many young brothers and sisters in the course of my Christian life and service during the past thirty years. Many of them were troubled by the matter of marriage. They were unnecessarily condemned in their conscience because they were ignorant of God’s ordination as well as God’s Word. They had the consciousness and need of marriage, yet they thought that this was sin. Some brothers have fallen into serious doubts about God’s work only because of their consciousness of sex. It is a heathen thought to treat sex as something sinful. We need to be clear about God’s Word. Just as it is not sin for a man to feel hungry, the need for sex is not sinful; it is a natural consciousness.
Hebrews 13:4 tells us, “Let marriage be held in honor among all.” Marriage is not only honorable but even holy. God considers sex not only natural but even holy.
Dr. Meyer, a co-worker of D. L. Moody, wrote many good books on edification. He once said, “Only the most filthy mind would consider sex as something filthy.” I think this was well said. Man injects filthy thoughts into sex because he himself is filthy. To the clean everything is clean. To the defiled everything is defiled. Because man’s mind is defiled, his thoughts also become defiled. We need to realize that marriage is clean. A God-ordained sex relationship is holy, clean, and undefiled.
In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul said that in later times, there would be the teachings of demons, one of which is the forbidding of marriage. Here we see that even demonic teachings pursue holiness. G. H. Pember pointed out clearly in his writing how men would forbid marriage in the pursuit of holiness. They thought that this would make them holy. However, in his Epistle to Timothy, Paul told us that forbidding marriage is a doctrine of the demons. God has never forbidden marriage.
No one should be condemned unnecessarily in his conscience because of heathen religious teachings. The consciousness of sex is something natural and is not sin. It is only when one begins to deal with this consciousness that the possibility of it becoming a sin arises. It is not a question of the presence of this consciousness; the presence of this consciousness is natural and is not sin. It is the way a person deals with this consciousness that determines whether or not it is sin. This matter needs to be thoroughly cleared up. Otherwise a person’s conscience will be condemned, and he will not grow. This feeling of guilt is, in fact, not sin at all but the result of ignorance.
Marriage is ordained by God. In Genesis God said that it was not good for man to be alone. God said “good” to everything that He created. With the exception of the second day, God proclaimed that what He had created was good. God did not say that “it was good” on the second day, because the firmament was the place of Satan. Moreover, on the sixth day, God did not say that “it was good”; in fact, He even said that something was not good after He created man. God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Gen. 2:18). This is not to suggest that man was not created well. It means only that it was not good because there was just one man. Only half of man was created.
God created a help meet for Adam on the sixth day. Eve was also made on the sixth day, and she was brought by God to Adam. She was made for the purpose of marriage. The words help meet mean “meet to help.” This word in Hebrew means “someone that matches, someone that renders help.”
In considering Genesis 2:18, many Bible readers think that when God created man, He created a male plus a female. However, the Bible says only that God created man. His creation of man was His creation of male and female. The male and female made a complete man. It was as if God created half of a man in the beginning and then the other half after seeing that this man was only one-half. The two halves were joined together to become one. Only when the two halves were joined together was man complete. This is why God did not say that “it was good” until Eve was made. This shows us that marriage is not initiated by man but by God. The institution of marriage did not come after man’s fall but before it. Man did not sin on the first day of his creation; he was married on the first day of his creation. On the same day that God created Eve, He gave her to Adam. This is not something that happened after man sinned. Marriage is something initiated by God.
In Genesis 2 we see marriage in God’s creation. In John 2, at the beginning of the Lord Jesus’ ministry, there was also a wedding in Cana. During that wedding the Lord Jesus changed the water into wine. This shows that the Lord not only allowed marriage but even approved and endorsed it. The Lord Jesus not only attended the wedding but even enhanced it and made it better. It is clear that marriage was initiated by God and particularly approved by the Lord Jesus. Therefore, it is something entirely of God.
Here we see the place of marriage before God. God’s purpose is to have a husband and a wife, who will mutually help each other. Thus, He called Adam’s wife a help meet. Help meet in Hebrew means someone who is meet to help. Here we find that God wants man to live in a corporate way, to have mutual fellowship, and to render mutual help. This is God’s purpose.
In the Old Testament God instituted marriage before sin came into the world. In the New Testament, Paul said that marriage not only is allowed but also is a necessity because of the presence of sin (1 Cor. 7).
Marriage can prevent sin. This is why Paul said that men should have their own wives and women should have their own husbands. This is to prevent the sin of fornication (v. 2). Paul did not condemn the consciousness of sex as sin. On the contrary, he showed us that both the male and the female should marry in order to prevent sin.
Paul said that we should make no provision for the flesh (Rom. 13:14). If a man constantly committed the sin of pride, Paul could not have said, “Since you always commit the sin of pride, you can be proud at home so that you will not be proud elsewhere! If you exercise your pride in one place, perhaps you will not exercise it elsewhere.” Saying this would have been to make “provision for the flesh.” God would never agree with his pride or my making some arrangement for him to exercise his pride. Consider a man who loves to steal. You should not say, “Since you like to steal, I will allow you to steal the things which belong to Brother So-and-so so that you will not steal from others.” You should not say this; instead, you need to say, “You cannot steal at all.” Stealing is definitely a sin, and we should not make any provision for it. Pride is definitely a sin as well, and we cannot make provision for it either. But sex is not a sin in an absolute sense. This is why men should have their own wives, and women should have their own husbands. If we do not understand this, we may think that Paul’s word was making provision for the flesh. But we know that the apostle did not make provision for the flesh. Therefore, we cannot consider marriage to be a sin. Marriage is not God’s provision for the flesh. We want to hold marriage on a high plane. It is something holy and ordained by God Himself.
Marriage is necessary because sin has entered. Marriage can prevent sin. This is not to make provision for the flesh. There is a clear difference.
In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul spoke about marriage. He began by saying that a wife does not have authority over her own body, and a husband does not have authority over his own body (v. 4). Paul’s teaching is quite clear. Except for the purpose of devoting themselves to the service of the Lord, the husband and the wife should not be separated. This prevents fornication (v. 5). In order to prevent fornication, God ordains that male and female should marry and not be separated.
Paul used strong words to speak of those who have a compelling desire for sex. He said that they should marry in order to avoid burning with desire (v. 9). He did not reprimand such persons. Paul did not say, “You are wrong to have such a strong desire. You have sinned in having such a strong desire. Therefore, you have to make some provision for your flesh.” Instead, he said, “If you have a strong desire, you should marry. It is better to marry than to live with such a strong desire.” The Word of God is very clear concerning this. The consciousness of sex is not a sin. Even a strong sex urge is not a sin. But God has ordained that those who have a strong consciousness of sex should marry. They should not abstain from marriage on the one hand and fall into sin on the other hand. This is what the Lord has shown us.
The institution of marriage has a New Testament aspect and an Old Testament aspect. The Old Testament shows us that marriage provides help that is meet. The New Testament says that it is instituted to prevent sin. One aspect of the Christian marriage today is mutual help, and the other aspect is the prevention of sin.
There is a third aspect. In his first Epistle, Peter said that the wives are “fellow heirs of the grace of life” (3:7). In other words, God delights to see husbands and wives serving Him together. God delighted to see Aquila and Prisca serving Him. He delighted to see Peter and his wife, Judah and his wife, serving Him together.
Therefore, there are three basic elements of a Christian marriage. First, there is mutual help; second, there is the prevention of sin; and third, there is the joint inheritance of grace of two persons in the presence of God. One should not be a Christian alone but a Christian together with another person. One should not inherit grace alone but together with another person.
The Bible also shows us that even though there is the consciousness of sex, this consciousness is not very strong with some people, and so there is no need for such a one to fulfill this need. The Bible advises such persons to keep their virginity.
Virginity does not make one more holy spiritually. However, a virgin can surely devote all his or her physical energy to the Lord’s work. This also is spoken of in 1 Corinthians 7.
Paul shows us that there are three problems in marriage. First, marriage is a bondage. He says, “Have you been bound to a wife?” (v. 27). Often, a person is not free after he is married; once he is married he becomes occupied with many things. He is bound by his wife and has to take care of many things. Second, those who are married have affliction. Paul said, “But such ones will have affliction in the flesh” (v. 28). When a person is married, the affliction in the flesh increases, and it is hard for him to serve the Lord with a single heart. Third, those who are married care for the things of the world (vv. 32-34). In Matthew 13 the Lord indicates that these cares are like thorns which can easily choke the growth of the seed. The result can be barrenness (v. 22). In short, marriage brings in family problems, entanglements, afflictions, and anxiety.
Paul’s words are not only for the co-workers but also for all the brothers and sisters. A person who keeps his virginity can be spared many difficulties. Paul did not command these ones to keep their virginity, but his words show his inclination toward this choice. Paul did not have any opinion of his own; he was merely telling the brothers the facts. Marriage is good, and it prevents the danger of sinning. But marriage also brings a person into family problems, entanglements, afflictions, and the anxieties of this world.
Following this, Paul shows us the type of person who can keep his virginity. He said some have the gift from God to keep their virginity. It is a gift from God to keep one’s virginity. One person receives one kind of gift from God. Another person receives another kind of gift from God. If I need to marry, marriage is a gift from God; it takes a gift from God to marry. This is why Paul said, “But each has his own gift from God, one in this way, the other in that” (1 Cor. 7:7). Those who keep their virginity have the gift of God, and also those who are married have the gift of God.
The first condition for keeping one’s virginity is that a person have only sex consciousness but no sex compulsion. Some people have the compulsion of sex. Others have only the consciousness of sex but not the compulsion. Only those who do not have a compulsion for sex can keep their virginity.
Second, a person must have the desire to remain single and must be firm in his heart. Verses 36 and 37 say, “But if any one think that he behaves unseemly to his virginity, if he be beyond the flower of his age, and so it must be, let him do what he will, he does not sin: let them marry. But he who stands firm in his heart, having no need, but has authority over his own will, and has judged this in his heart to keep his own virginity, he does well” (New Translation, J. N. Darby). Paul shows us that to keep one’s virginity, the person must have the intention and willingness to keep it. If anyone thinks that it is wrong to keep his virginity, he can marry. If a person has the intention and the inclination to remain single, and if he is firm in his heart to keep his virginity, he can keep it. Hence, firmness in heart is a necessary requirement.
Third, such a decision must not be in conflict with one’s circumstances. Verse 37 says, “Having no need.” Some have special considerations in their circumstances, and it is not easy for them to keep their virginity. Some may create many problems with their family if they keep their virginity. Hence, there must be the environmental provision before one can keep his virginity.
Paul shows us the three basic conditions for keeping one’s virginity: They are (1) having no compulsion, (2) standing firm in one’s heart, and (3) not creating problems in one’s environment. Only when one meets all three conditions can he keep his virginity.
Those who keep their virginity have much to gain before the Lord. Matthew 19 clearly shows that it is easier for a virgin to enter the kingdom of the heavens. We have to acknowledge that “there are eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs because of the kingdom of the heavens.” Matthew 19 clearly speaks of the relationship between virginity and the kingdom of the heavens. We dare not say specifically what relationship there is between virginity and the kingdom of the heavens. However, we can say that keeping one’s virginity definitely has its advantage in entering the kingdom of the heavens. The Lord tells us here that there are some who made themselves eunuchs, who keep their virginity for the sake of the kingdom of the heavens.
This is not all. Revelation 14 shows us that the firstfruits (the hundred and forty-four thousand) are virgins. They follow the Lamb wherever He may go. These hundred and forty-four thousand are the early raptured ones. Virginity definitely has something to do with rapture. We will find one day that virgins have a clear advantage in entering the kingdom of the heavens and in being raptured. What about today? Paul said that keeping one’s virginity indeed reduces afflictions and enables a person to serve God well.
We can only present these facts to the brothers and sisters. Only those who do not have a compulsion for sex, who are firm in their heart, and who find adequate provisions in their environment can keep their virginity. We are presenting this matter in an objective and biblical way before the brothers and sisters. Everyone should make his or her own choice before the Lord.
Concerning the matter of marriage, God has laid down definite guidelines on whom one can marry and whom one cannot marry. The Bible shows us clearly that the marriages of God’s people should be restricted to those among themselves only. In other words, if one is to be married, his spouse must be sought from among God’s own people, not from other people.
There are sufficient commandments in the Old Testament to show us that we should not marry anyone outside of God’s people.
Deuteronomy 7:3-4 says that the Israelites should not marry the Canaanites. They should neither give their daughters to the Canaanites’ sons, nor take their daughters for their sons, because the Canaanites would turn them from following the Lord and would seduce them to serve other gods. God clearly shows through the Old Testament that one should look for a marriage partner among the Lord’s people. One cannot look for a wife or a husband among unbelievers. The greatest problem with going after unbelievers is that the other person may turn one away from the Lord to serve other gods. It is easy for wives to follow their husbands to worship idols. It is also easy for husbands to follow their wives to worship idols. Since both are married, it is very easy for one to follow the other to worship other gods.
Joshua 23:12-13 warns the Israelites against marrying the people of the land. They were warned that the latter would become snares and thorns in their eyes. Their wives or their husbands would become their thorns, and they would be ensnared.
At the time of Nehemiah, the Israelites returned from captivity to the land of Judah. Many had married Gentile wives and could not speak the Hebrew language. Nehemiah charged them in 13:23-27 to sever all ties with the Gentile women and not to have any dealings with them. Here we see a basic problem in marrying a Gentile woman: Sooner or later the children will follow the mother and not follow the father to serve God. If you marry a Gentile, your children will easily follow your Gentile partner and go into the world. This is quite a problem.
Malachi 2:11 shows us that the Israelites committed treacherous sins and profaned the holiness of God because they took Gentiles to be their wives. In God’s sight, marrying a Gentile woman is to profane the holiness of God. Hence, Christians should look for marriage partners only among the believers.
We can also take warnings from the failure of Solomon. Solomon was the wisest king, yet he fell into idolatry through marrying Gentile women.
Paul’s word in the New Testament is clear enough. In 1 Corinthians 7:39, he told the widows to marry those who were in the Lord.
Second Corinthians 6:14 is a well-known portion of the Bible. It says that believers and unbelievers should not share the same yoke. These words do not refer to only marriage. But they certainly speak also of marriage. Believers and unbelievers should not be engaged in the same business; they should not join themselves in one goal, like two animals plowing the field with one yoke. God does not allow this. He does not allow a believer and an unbeliever to bear the same yoke. In the Old Testament, an ox and a horse could not be yoked together, and an ass could not be equally yoked with a horse. You cannot have one that is fast and another that is slow. It is impossible to have one going one direction and the other going another direction, or one turning to heaven and the other turning to the world. You cannot have one seeking after spiritual blessings and the other seeking after worldly riches. It is impossible for one to pull in one direction and the other to pull in the other direction. If you do, the yoke will break.
Of all unequally yoked relationships, none is more serious than the marriage relationship. One may be unequally yoked with others in business ventures or in other things. But no yoke is more severe than the marriage yoke. When a believer and an unbeliever share the responsibility of a family together, the result will be nothing but problems. The ideal marriage partner is a brother or a sister. Never choose an unbeliever capriciously. If you pick out an unbeliever carelessly, you will surely encounter problems later. One will be pulling to one side, and the other will be pulling to the other side. One will turn to heaven, and the other will turn to the world. One will seek a heavenly gift, and the other will seek worldly riches. The difference between the two is tremendous. This is why the Bible charges us to marry those in the Lord.
But here is a problem: Suppose a brother is already married to an unbeliever, or a sister is already married to an unbelieving husband. What should they do? We mentioned earlier that a single person should seek a partner who is in the Lord. However, there are some who are already married. They already have an unbelieving wife or an unbelieving husband. What should they do?
First Corinthians 7 has something to say about this matter. Verses 12, 13, and 15 address this point. They tell us what to do when a dispute arises in a family that has only one member who is a Christian. Please bear in mind that many such families today complain little, simply because the believers in these families are not absolute enough. The Lord Jesus predicted in the Gospels that there would be much contention within the family. If a believer is absolute, there is bound to be contention in the family. There are cases of “three against two and two against three,” as in Luke 12:52, because some family members have become believers. Suppose a husband leaves his wife because she has believed in the Lord. Suppose he says, “You have believed in the Lord; I do not want you anymore.” What should the wife do? The Lord’s word in 1 Corinthians 7 is clear enough: “Let him separate” (v. 15). Therefore, if a husband wants to separate because the wife has believed in the Lord, or vice versa, the word is, “Let him separate.”
However, one thing must be clear: You must not be the one who initiates the separation. You must not be the one who asks for the separation. The other party must be the one who asks for it. He is the one who is not happy with your faith in the Lord. He is the one who thinks that there is no future with you now that you have believed in the Lord. It is he who wants to go. If he wants to separate, “Let him separate.”
Paul said that there is no need to separate if the other party does not care. How do you know that the Lord will not save him through you? If he does not care and wants to continue living with you, Paul said that you should be at peace with him and should not leave. He said that an unbeliever can be sanctified through a believer. He said also, “For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” (v. 16). If the other party wants to leave, that is his concern, not yours. But if he does not want to leave, you have to believe that the Lord will save him. Paul said that it would be easy for him to be saved. It may not be that easy for the Lord to save others, but it would surely be easy for the Lord to save one who is already yours. We need to deal with this matter by taking such a stand.
Some brothers and sisters have another problem: They are engaged to unbelievers. What should they do?
It is clear that the Lord does not want us to marry unbelievers. If someone is already engaged to an unbeliever, the best thing would be for the unbelieving fiancé or fiancée to voluntarily break the engagement. The two are not yet married; they only have an agreement to marry. If the Lord opens the way for the unbelieving side to voluntarily break the agreement because the other one has believed in the Lord, that is the best solution.
However, it is often impossible to have such a solution. Because a marriage agreement exists, the other party may not easily let go just because you have believed in the Lord. At such times, you need to realize that an engagement to a person is a covenant with that person. Such a covenant is a promise you have made before God. A Christian cannot arbitrarily annul a covenant just because he has believed in the Lord. Any covenant is holy in the eyes of God. You can suggest a dissolution to the other party. The other party can initiate such a dissolution, or you can initiate it. The proposal need not be initiated by the other party. This is different from the earlier case. In the case of a marriage, the other party must initiate it. In the case of an engagement, you can initiate the dissolution of the engagement. If the other party insists that you fulfill the marriage agreement, you have to fulfill it. Once something comes out of the mouth of a Christian, he has to honor it; he cannot annul it arbitrarily. We receive salvation because God honors His word. If God did not honor His word, there would not be any salvation at all. Therefore, you have to negotiate with the other party. If the other party is unwilling to dissolve the relationship, you have to marry him or her.
Psalm 15:4 says, “Should he swear to his harm, / He does not change.” After the Israelites entered the land of Canaan, the Gibeonites deceived them with dry, moldy bread, old patched shoes, and worn garments. They said that they came from a far country, and Joshua promised not to kill them. Later, he found out that they were actually from a near country. Because a covenant had been made with them, God would not allow the Israelites to kill them. At the most, they were made woodcutters and drawers of water (Josh. 9:3-27). Honoring one’s covenant is a serious matter in the Bible. It is all right for you to annul an engagement only if the other party is willing to annul it. But if the other party is not willing to annul it, you cannot annul it. The covenant with the Gibeonites produced serious consequences. Rain was withheld from heaven because Saul slaughtered the Gibeonites. David was forced to ask the Gibeonites what he should do for them. The Gibeonites demanded that seven of the sons of Saul be hung, and David had to comply (2 Sam. 21:1-6). God will not allow us to breach a covenant arbitrarily. We must learn to honor any covenant we make. We cannot do anything that is unrighteous.
You have been engaged to someone, and now you have become a Christian. What should you do if the other party insists on marrying you? Here is something that you can do: Negotiate the terms with him ahead of time. You can say, “I will definitely marry you, but I would like to settle a few matters with you before marriage.” What are the few matters? First, the other party must allow you to serve the Lord. You should not move into the other party’s house with a false disguise; you should move in with an open banner. You are now a Christian. Even though you are marrying the other person, he must give you the liberty to serve the Lord. He must not interfere with your service to the Lord. Second, when you have children, they must be brought up according to the teaching of the Lord. Whether or not the other party becomes a Christian is up to him or her, but the children must be brought up according to the teaching of the Lord. You must settle this from the very beginning. Put this on the table first and have an agreement ahead of time. If you have an agreement, you will not face difficulties later. But if you do not make an agreement beforehand, you will face difficulties down the road. Marrying an unbeliever is always a loss. But you can minimize the loss and the headaches by coming to an agreement first. The other party must agree to give you the freedom to lead your children to the Lord. You have become a Christian. You will not go to the world. You will always be on the Lord’s side. If the other party is agreeable to this, you can proceed with the marriage. If the other party does not like it, he can annul the agreement. We need to inform the other party about our future commitment. This will tend to reduce the problems that will eventually come.
This is a real problem; it is not an imaginary one. But we can only say that there is no teaching in the Bible concerning this matter. However, we need to touch Paul’s heart. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul wished that the widows would remain single if possible. But then, he also wished that the widows would marry those who are in the Lord (v. 39). Therefore, widows can remarry if there is the need. According to this principle, we can say that the best thing for a brother to do is to marry a sister in the Lord. If it is not possible to do this, it is best if he does not marry at all. However, if he must marry, we still would be happy to see him marry. Even if the other party is an unbeliever, we still would like to see him marry.
When we say this, we are not advocating, as the world says, “Choose the lesser of two evils.” We are saying that we would rather see a person commit a sin against God’s government rather than a moral sin. If by not marrying I fall into sin, I commit a moral sin. If I marry an unbelieving woman, I commit a sin against God’s government. There are two types of sin; one is moral sin, and the other is sin against God’s government. Please bear in mind that moral sin is more serious than sin against God’s government. If a brother needs to marry and he cannot find a sister, the best thing for him to do is stay single. But if he must marry, we should let him marry even if it means marrying an unbeliever.
If you marry an unbeliever, you need to have your eyes open and realize that serious problems lie ahead. It is particularly hard for a believer to marry an unbeliever. The hardship is greater than that of an unbelieving couple in which one becomes a believer. A husband or wife who becomes a believer after being married may encounter hardship, but many times the Lord will bring him through. However, a believer who marries an unbeliever will face many difficulties. We need to warn him ahead of time, and he needs to open his eyes to the hardships ahead.
If a person marries an unbeliever, we must warn him of another thing: He should be careful not to be carried away. He has to remember that he is marrying an unbeliever, and if he is careless, he will be easily led away. Of course, those who are married or engaged have to be careful as well, but those who are considering marriage should exercise even more care. In other words, they need special protection, preservation, and prayer, so that they will not be carried away by the other party.
If you have no choice but to marry an unbeliever, you must also lay down the terms clearly beforehand. You need to tell the unbeliever, “I have already believed in the Lord. I will not force you to believe, but you cannot interfere with my faith. You must give me absolute freedom in this respect.” You need also to bring up the question of children. “You must give me the freedom to lead our children to the Lord. I want my children to believe in the Lord. I do not want them to worship idols or to be conformed to the world.” If you emphasize this point enough, perhaps you can get by with this issue.
I will speak a few words to the more mature brothers and sisters. When you see a new believer struggling with such a problem, you must be very careful. Do not open the door too wide. Do not allow him to arbitrarily marry an unbeliever. On the other hand, do not close the door too tightly. Do not keep him away from governmental sin while exposing him to moral sin. It is better to let someone fall into God’s governmental hand than to let him fall into moral sin.
I have something more to say about this. We have many young brothers and sisters in every locality. Most of the problems in finding a spouse arise when too many saints have too many expectations concerning the background and status of others. A brother who has a higher social status does not want to marry a sister with a lower status, and the reverse is also true. Today there is no lack of brothers and no lack of sisters. But the question of status has caused many problems. I think this question would be easily solved if the brothers and sisters would change their concept about occupation. It would be easy for sisters to marry if they did not belittle brothers who are farmers. It would also be easy for brothers to marry if they did not belittle sisters who are farmers. Today we look down upon occupations which God honors and exalt occupations which men worship. This is what makes things complicated. Today we have no lack of sisters and brothers, but we do not have many matching pairs according to status. Since the matter of status is a worldly consideration, we need to have a complete turn in our concept concerning occupation in order to solve this problem.
[* Editor’s Note: Watchman Nee dealt with the matter of concubines because of the problem at this point in China’s history.]
In the Bible there is no command telling man to separate himself from his concubine. Nowhere in the Bible does God ask man to send his concubine away. I am talking about concubines whom one took before he believed in the Lord. In the Bible I think there is sufficient indication of how God wants man to take care of concubines.
Perhaps we should look first at man’s demand before considering the Bible’s demand. Man’s immediate thought is to send away all his concubines. If the concubine cannot be sent away, man’s thought is for the husband to discontinue sexual relationships with her. This is a human concept, and unfortunately many brothers and sisters hold this concept. But this is not God’s revelation; it is in fact a heathen thought.
In the Bible no one took a concubine in a worse way than David. He not only took a concubine but even committed murder in taking that concubine. Uriah died because of his wife. David sacrificed Uriah to gain Bath-sheba. Solomon was born of Bath-sheba, and so was the Lord Jesus Himself. The Lord acknowledges this fact in the New Testament. Matthew 1 tells us about four women. Bath-sheba is included and is spoken of as the wife of Uriah. We must be clear about this fact: Those who have taken concubines should submit to God’s disciplining hand; they should never chase their concubines away.
Why does the Bible not demand that the concubine be sent away? Please bear in mind that the sin of fornication and that of taking a concubine are two completely different things. If I steal a Bible today, I can return another Bible tomorrow. If I steal one thousand dollars today, I can return one thousand dollars tomorrow. But if I take a concubine today, I have no way to return her.
Some brothers think that all concubines should be sent away. This is a consideration from the male’s point of view. All males should know that in God’s eyes taking a concubine is equal to committing adultery. However, on the side of the concubine, when she marries a male, she is not married to two husbands. The male is married to two women, but the concubine is not married to two husbands. We have to see that the Lord never asks the man to send his concubine away.
I think the principle behind Solomon’s mother is very clear. The Lord sent Nathan the prophet purposely to David after David married Bath-sheba. Everything the Lord needs to say concerning this subject has already been said through Nathan; there is no need for you to add anything to his word. Even if Nathan had missed anything, there would still be no need for you or I to add a footnote to the subject three thousand years later. Nathan told David that his son would surely die, and judgment would come to him. Others would commit fornication with his wives in the sight of the sun, and the sword would never depart from his house (2 Sam. 12:7-14). Nathan did not ask David to send Bath-sheba away. If he were to send her away, what would she do? Uriah was already dead. Some are without their Uriah today, while the Uriah of others is dead. What should they do? When God sent Nathan to David, He did not ask David to chase Bath-sheba away. In fact, God later caused her to give birth to Solomon (v. 24). God did not cause any of the wives of David to give birth to Solomon. He caused David’s concubine, Bath-sheba, to give birth to Solomon. Moreover, the first page of the New Testament says, “And David begot Solomon of her who had been the wife of Uriah” (Matt. 1:6). The New Testament does not say that one can take a concubine. But it does not say that one needs to chase his concubine away either.
Exodus 21:9-11 specifies that if a master betroths a maid to his son, he shall deal with her after the manner of daughters. If the son properly marries another later, the maid will become a concubine. God’s ordination is clear: Her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage shall he not diminish. If he does not do these three things to her, she shall go out free and be a slave no more. Thus, if anyone thinks that he cannot have intercourse with his concubine, he is not keeping the law of God. I hope that you can be clear about this matter.
There is only one portion of the Word that addresses the matter of concubines in the New Testament. In reading the Bible, we love to see a certain matter that is mentioned only once. If a certain matter is mentioned twice, we have to make a comparison. If it is mentioned three or more times, we need to integrate the different portions before we can arrive at a conclusion about God’s teaching. This is why every Bible student loves single-incident injunctions, because one needs to refer to only one case in order to know God’s will. There is only one portion in the New Testament — 1 Timothy — that only indirectly refers to the matter of concubines. There it says that an overseer must be the husband of one wife. This means that all who have concubines cannot be elders in the church. However, the New Testament does not say that such a one should send his concubine away or abstain from fulfilling her duty of marriage.
If a concubine is saved and has no compulsion for continued sexual relationships, it is good if she is willing to separate from the husband. But this is something voluntary; it is not a commandment of the Lord nor a commandment of the church. The church should not demand anything concerning this matter.
God has put only two together, and this principle should be maintained. It is quite obvious that a person who takes a concubine will suffer more affliction in the body than one who upholds monogamy. This one will naturally experience more discipline from the Lord.
The Bible speaks of divorce, but divorce is sanctioned by the Scripture under only one condition. There are many ordinances regarding divorce among the nations of the world. Some countries have more than twenty ordinances on the subject. The Chinese also have many ordinances. For example, if either party is mentally unsound or if there is incompatibility of any kind, the couple can divorce each other. But the Bible gives only one condition for divorce — adultery. Factors such as mental instability or prolonged separation do not constitute legitimate reasons for divorce. The only reason for a divorce is extramarital sexual conduct. In Matthew 19 and Luke 16 the Lord Jesus shows us clearly that divorce is permitted only if adultery is involved.
Divorce is allowed in the case of adultery because man should not separate what God has joined together. In other words, the husband and wife are one in the sight of God. All divorces violate this oneness. What is adultery? It is the destruction of that oneness. If you commit sexual acts with someone other than your wife or your husband, you have committed adultery and have violated that oneness. A wife or a husband may be missing for years or may be mentally sick. There may be psychological harassment or other factors involved, but if one party turns away and marries someone else, he is breaking the oneness and has committed adultery in reality.
Divorce is allowed in the case of adultery because the oneness has already been broken. Originally, the wife was one with her husband. When the husband commits adultery, she becomes free. When the oneness was there, she had to preserve it. Now that the oneness has been broken by the husband, the wife is free. Thus, adultery is the only condition for divorce. A wife can leave her husband if he has committed adultery. If a sister finds her husband committing adultery or taking another woman, she can divorce her husband, and the church cannot stop her. She can divorce her husband, and she can remarry. Anything that destroys the oneness is sin. A person can leave his or her spouse only where adultery is involved, because adultery has destroyed the oneness. Divorce is but a declaration that the oneness between a husband and a wife is gone. Since the oneness is gone, one can remarry.
Matthew 19 and Luke 16 are two clear passages concerning this subject, and we have to pay much attention to them. Divorce is based on adultery. Adultery breaks the original oneness between a husband and a wife. The two are no longer one, but have become two. Therefore, they can divorce. They can divorce each other because there is no more oneness between them. Actually a divorce has already occurred when one party commits adultery; it does not begin with the divorce proceedings. The so-called divorce proceedings are but a procedure. Marriage begins with the declaration of oneness, and divorce is a declaration that such a oneness no longer exists. This is why divorce is permitted where adultery is found. A divorce that is not based on adultery means that both parties are committing adultery. Suppose neither a husband nor a wife has committed adultery. They cannot have a divorce even if they cannot get along with each other. Once they divorce each other, they have committed adultery. If the oneness has not yet been broken when one tries to remarry, he or she is in reality committing adultery. Only when the oneness no longer exists can a person remarry.
We need to know what marriage is. Marriage means oneness; it means that two persons are no longer two, but one flesh. Adultery destroys this oneness, while divorce is but an announcement of the destruction of this oneness. Today if the oneness is gone between two persons, a remarriage is justified. But suppose the oneness is still there. The two may quarrel bitterly, they may not get along with each other, and they may threaten to divorce each other. The world and civic laws may even allow them to divorce each other. But in God’s eyes, the two still cannot divorce each other. If they divorce each other, they have committed adultery in reality. Divorce is allowed only where adultery has already occurred. We must see that no one can separate what God has joined together. Since there is already a union, one must never try to break it for any reason at all.
The Bible allows widows and widowers to remarry for the same reason. Marriage is something that lasts till death. In resurrection there is no marriage relationship. In resurrection men neither marry nor are given in marriage (Matt. 22:30). Marrying and being given in marriage are things of this world. The angels neither marry nor are given in marriage. Resurrected men likewise neither marry nor are given in marriage. Marriage is a thing of this age, not of the next age. Therefore, marriage ends with death. After one’s partner dies, he or she may remain unmarried for the sake of cherished affection. But the Bible says nothing to forbid him or her from remarrying someone else.
Consider the teaching in Romans 7 which says that every Christian is a remarried person. We were remarried through the death and resurrection of Christ. Romans 7 shows us that a wife is bound by the law to her husband as long as he is alive. After the husband dies, the wife can marry another man. Whoever marries another man while her husband is alive is an adulteress. If we are not yet dead to the law or if we are Seventh-day Adventists, yet we are married to Christ, all of us are adulteresses. Thank God, we have only one husband. The Seventh-day Adventists have two husbands. Romans 7 says that we could not belong to Christ as long as the law was still alive; if we had belonged to Christ then, we would have been adulteresses. We were originally married to the law, and we belonged to the law. However, we have died through Christ. Today, when we turn to Christ, we are not adulteresses. All of us have been remarried to Christ. We are dead to the law, and we are not adulteresses. Romans 7 tells us that a wife is bound to her husband until his death. After the husband dies, the wife is free. It is wrong for anyone in the church to think that widows should not remarry. This is a heathen concept.
It is all right if a widow wants to remain single like a virgin. Paul said, “It is good for them if they remain even as I am” (1 Cor. 7:8). To live alone like a virgin for the sake of serving the Lord is right, but to remain unmarried because of criticism and social pressure is wrong. I hope that this concept can be removed from the church.
Paul told Timothy, “I will therefore that younger widows marry” (1 Tim. 5:14). The same applies to widowers. Today the issue is whether or not one has the need for marriage. Some have a physiological need. Others have a psychological need; they would feel lonely if they did not marry again. Some have a need because of their family. It is all right for a brother or a sister to remarry after his or her spouse has died. No Christian should criticize another on this matter. We need to eradicate all heathen concepts from our mind.
In the Bible God acknowledges the validity of sex. There is nothing wrong with the consciousness of sex or sex itself. The consciousness of sex is not sin; in fact, it is holy. However, this is true only within the context of a marriage. In a marriage, sex is good and holy. But any sexual consciousness or sexual act outside the bounds of oneness is sin. Have you seen the difference? What is sin? It is sex outside of marriage. Why? Because sex outside of marriage is a breach of the oneness of a marriage. Therefore, sex is a sin only when it destroys the oneness. Sex has nothing to do with sin when it is sex alone. Sex itself is not sinful. We must see this clearly before the Lord.
In Matthew 5:28 the Lord Jesus said, “But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman in order to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The word looks here involves the will. It is not just seeing a woman but looking at her. Seeing is passive, while looking is active. This looking is followed by the phrase in order to lust after her. It is not a passing lustful thought that comes to one’s mind when he sees a woman, but a look at a woman that is for the purpose of lusting after her. Lusting comes first, and then looking. This look is the second look, not the first look. The first look is a random look at a woman on the street. The second look is to actually look at her. Between the first look and the second look, a lustful thought has come in. The second look is therefore for the purpose of lusting after a woman. The second look is the third step in the process. The Lord Jesus is not talking about the first look, but the look which is the third step. When some see a woman on the street, they do not control themselves and lust after her. Satan injects lustful thoughts into men, and they turn and look the second time. The second look is sin. Sin is having lustful thoughts and looking at someone the second time.
Matthew 5 says that everyone who looks at a woman in order to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. The Lord Jesus is not referring to the first look. It is wrong to involve the first look in this discussion. Suppose I see a woman on the street by accident. Satan may inject lustful thoughts into me. If I reject them, that is the end of it. But if I turn and look at her again, that is sin. Please bear in mind that the consciousness of sex is not sin. It becomes sin only when there is the consent of the will. When such a consent of the will happens outside the context of marriage, the oneness is destroyed by the will. It is sin to destroy the oneness in one’s conduct. In God’s eyes, it is sin also to destroy the oneness in one’s will.
In the Old Testament, only adultery is spoken of as sin; fornication is not mentioned as sin. The Old Testament forbids only adultery, because man did not have enough knowledge of himself yet. What is adultery? Adultery is sin committed by those who are married. What is fornication? Fornication is sin committed by those who are not married. The act is the same, but the sin is not the same. We can say that a prostitute commits only fornication, but not adultery, because she is not married. We have to realize that God does not want man to commit fornication. The Old Testament speaks only of the sin of those who are married; it does not speak of those who are not married. It does not mean that there is no such thing in the Old Testament, but the term is not there. Here we see that the act that destroys oneness — adultery — is sin. But the act that does not destroy oneness — fornication — is sin as well.
We need to see that adultery is sin and that fornication is also sin. To destroy the oneness of the married ones is sin. Fornication, which happens to those who are not married and which seemingly does not destroy oneness is also sin. Christians should not commit adultery; neither should they commit fornication. We must see that sex is holy; sex consciousness is not a sin. Sex within marriage is holy and is not a sin. But if you are married and have sex outside of marriage, that is adultery. If you are not married but have sex, that is fornication. As believers we must not commit adultery, and we must not commit fornication.
