In this message we come to Eph. 5:22-33, where we see the proper living in the relationship between wife and husband.
In Eph. 4:1-24 Paul gives us the principle of a life worthy of God’s calling. This principle is a matter of having put off the old man and of having put on the new man. From 4:25 through 6:9 Paul presents the details of a proper living. If we would fulfill all these detailed requirements, we need to live according to the truth and by grace. Furthermore, we must live in love and in light, and we must be filled in our spirit. As we have pointed out, being filled in spirit is an aspect of the life worthy of God’s calling.
The relationship between wives and husbands is connected to the matter of being filled in spirit. It is an aspect of the daily living of those who are filled in spirit unto all the fullness of God. Therefore, when we speak about the relationship between wives and husbands, we should not neglect the infilling. Only by being filled in our spirit can we have a proper married life.
Verse 22 says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.” This is one of the kinds of subjection implied in verse 21. In the exhortations concerning married life, the apostle deals first with the wives, since the wives, like Eve in Genesis 3, more easily get out of line than the husbands.
In the same principle, Paul deals with children before parents, and slaves before masters. Regarding the relationship between children and parents, most of the problems are caused by the children, not by the parents. The children are disobedient to their parents, but, in actual practice, the parents are obedient to their children. The same is true of the relationship between wives and husbands. Husbands, in your married life, do you obey your wife more than she obeys you, or does she obey you more? Most husbands would have to answer that they obey their wives more than their wives obey them. You may think that it is not right for husbands to obey their wives or for parents to obey their children. Although this may seem backwards according to doctrine, it is true according to practice. If husbands do not know how to obey their wives, they will not have a peaceful married life. Any husband who does not obey his wife does not know how to sympathize with her and to love her. In order for a husband to love his wife, he must sympathize with her and even obey her. Only obedience can beget obedience. Only obedience can pay the price to produce obedience in others. If a husband never obeys his wife, it will be very difficult for his wife to obey him.
First Peter 3:7 says that wives are weaker vessels. This is the reason Paul speaks to wives first here in Ephesians 5. In his exhortations concerning wives and husbands, children and parents, and slaves and masters, Paul takes care firstly of the weaker side and then of the stronger side. Those on the stronger side should not place demands on those on the weaker side. If a husband realizes that his wife is the weaker vessel, he will not be demanding of her.
What we have said thus far does not deny the obvious fact in 5:22 that wives are to be subject to their husbands. Because we all are familiar with this exhortation, there is no need for us to say anything to strengthen it or to intensify it.
In verse 22 Paul exhorts wives to be subject to their own husbands. Most wives appreciate and respect others’ husbands. Hence, the apostle exhorts the wives to be subject to their own husbands, no matter what kind of husbands they are.
Paul’s word about wives submitting to their own husbands indicates that there is the tendency for wives to compare their husbands with the husbands of others. Husbands may do the same thing regarding their wives. If we are short of grace and do not live in the light of God, we may make such comparisons. This is the subtlety of Satan to damage married life. During your engagement, you may have thought that the one you were planning to marry was the best. But after you married him, you may have begun to compare him with others. Therefore, Paul exhorted the wives to submit to their own husbands and not to make comparisons.
In the same principle, when Paul addresses the husbands, he exhorts them to love their own wives (vv. 28, 33). This indicates that they should not compare their wives with the wives of others. We must hate such comparisons. They originate with the enemy, Satan, and can lead to separation or even divorce. If we desire to live a life worthy of God’s calling, a life according to truth, by grace, and in love and light, we must not compare our wife or husband with others. Rather, wives should submit to their own husbands, and husbands should love their own wives.
According to Paul’s word in verse 22, wives are to be subject to their own husbands “as to the Lord.” The wives need to realize that in the eyes of the Lord the husband represents the Lord. The reason the wife must submit to her own husband is that in married life he is as the Lord. I doubt that many married sisters regard their husbands as the Lord. The situation regarding married life today is deplorable, filled with disobedience and rebellion. Nevertheless, as Christ is the Head of the church and the Savior of the Body, wives must be subject to their husbands as to the Lord. Sarah, the wife of Abraham, was a good example of this. According to 1 Peter 3:6, “Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.”
Wives must also take their husbands as the head. Verse 23 says, “For a husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church, being Himself the Savior of the Body.” As head of the wife, a husband typifies Christ as the Head of the church. In addition to being the Savior of the Body, Christ is also the Head of the church. The Savior is a matter of love, whereas the Head is a matter of authority. We love Christ as our Savior, but we must also be subject to Him as our Head. It ought to be the same in the relationship between wives and husbands.
In verse 24 Paul goes on to say, “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives to their husbands in everything.” The thought here is this: although husbands are not the savior of their wives as Christ is of the church, the wives still need to be subject to their husbands as the church is to Christ. According to divine ordination, the subjection of the wives to their husbands should be absolute, without any choice. This does not mean that they should obey their husbands in everything. To obey is different from being subject. In sinful things, things against God, the wives should not obey their husbands. However, they should still be in subjection to them.
In verse 33 Paul says that the wife should see that “she fear her husband.” Because the wife should respect her husband as the head, the one who typifies Christ as the Head of the church, she should fear her husband in the fear of Christ (v. 21). As the head of the wife, the husband is the representative of the Lord. For this reason, the wife should fear the husband.
Paul exhorts the husbands to love their wives. The opposite of subjection is ruling. However, the apostle does not exhort the husbands to rule over the wives, but to love them. In married life, the wife’s obligation is subjection and the husband’s, love. The wife’s subjection plus the husband’s love constitutes proper married life and typifies the normal church life, in which the church is subject to Christ and Christ loves the church.
Verse 25 says, “Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” A husband’s love for his wife must be like Christ’s love for the church. This means that a husband ought to give himself up for his wife.
The requirement for the husband is much heavier than that for the wife. Submitting to someone is not as difficult as giving yourself up for someone. To give yourself up is to be a martyr, to sacrifice your life. Husbands are to love their wives at such a cost to themselves. They must be willing to pay a great price, even to die for their wives.
Verse 28 says, “So the husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself.” In this verse Paul twice speaks of husbands loving their own wives. As we have pointed out, this indicates that a husband is to love his wife without comparing her to others.
In this verse Paul exhorts the husbands to love their own wives as their own bodies. Everyone loves his body. A husband should regard his wife as part of his body and care for her as his own body.
Verse 29 goes on to say, “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ also the church.” We show love for our body by nourishing and cherishing it. To nourish is to feed. Concerning physical nourishment, it is the wife who nourishes the husband. It is a somewhat abnormal situation for the husband to do the cooking for the wife. But spiritually speaking, husbands are to nourish their wives. Just as we eat for the sake of our body, so husbands need to take in something of the Lord for the sake of their wives. In doing this a husband regards his wife as part of his body. A husband needs to nourish his wife, to take care of her need, just as he takes care of the need of his body. This is the meaning of nourish in verse 29.
To take in something to meet the wife’s need reveals a deep love. I have known some husbands who were skillful in cooking. They even cooked for their wives. Eventually I learned that they were cooking only for their own enjoyment, but they neglected the real need of their wives. To nourish your wife does not mean to serve food to her. It means that you take in something of the Lord to care for her need. In this way you nourish her just as you nourish your own body. This is real love.
Husbands should also love their wives as their own bodies by cherishing their wives. To cherish is to nurture with tender love and foster with tender care. This is the way Christ cares for the church as His Body. To cherish something is to care for it deeply and tenderly. It is to soften it through tender warmth. For example, a mother bird softens baby birds with the warmth of her body as she holds them under her wings. Under her embrace, the little birds are warmed tenderly. The heat from the loving embrace of the mother’s body softens and warms the cold little birds.
Sometimes wives are like cold birds. They may not argue with their husbands or even be angry with them, but they may become cold. They may use coldness as a weapon to subdue their husbands. At such times, a husband should tenderly warm and soften his wife, just as a mother bird warms her baby birds by embracing them. This is cherishing. A brother who by grace and in love cherishes his wife in this way will surely be a good husband.
The warmth conveyed through such cherishing does not burn others; it soothes them tenderly and even melts their hearts. This is exactly what the Lord does to us in the church. Although we love the Lord, sometimes in our experience we become “cold birds.” We may not rebel against the Lord, but we may become cold. At these times, the Lord embraces us, spreading His wings over us in order to warm us up. By the warmth of His embrace He softens the “cold birds” and melts our hard hearts. This is the Lord’s tender love for His Body.
Verse 31 says, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh.” Christ and the church being one spirit (1 Cor. 6:17), as typified by the husband and wife being one flesh, are the great mystery.
For a proper married life, a man must leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife as one flesh. A man and a woman get married for the sake of their own married life, not for the sake of their parents’ family life. Neither the parents of the wife nor those of the husband should interfere with the marriage. It is absolutely against the biblical principle for a married couple to live either with the husband’s parents or with the wife’s parents. Such an arrangement spoils married life. According to biblical principle, a man should leave his father and mother and be one with his wife. This principle, of course, also applies to the wife. I know of some young women who became engaged with the condition that after marriage the couple would live with the wife’s parents. This is wrong. Only when the husband and the wife both leave their parents can they have a proper married life. This is the teaching of the Word of God.
Finally, in verse 28 Paul says that the husband ought to love his own wife as his own body. He also says, “He who loves his own wife loves himself.” The same point is stressed again in verse 33. This indicates the depth of the love a husband must have for his wife.
