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After I was saved, I spontaneously loved the souls of sinners and hoped that they would be saved. To this end, I began to preach the gospel and to bear testimony among my schoolmates. After nearly a year's work, however, no one was saved. I thought the more words I could speak and the more reasons I could present, the more effective I would be in saving people. But though I had much to speak concerning the Lord, my words lacked power to move the listeners.
About this time I met a Western missionary, Miss Groves (Margaret Barber's co-worker), who asked me how many persons I had brought to the Lord in the year following my salvation. I bowed my head, hoping to forestall further questioning, and shamefully admitted in a low voice that, although I had preached the gospel to my schoolmates, they did not like to listen, and when they did listen, they would not believe. My attitude was that, since they would not heed the gospel, they would have to bear the consequences. She spoke to me frankly, "You are unable to lead people to the Lord because there is something between God and you. It may be some hidden sins not yet completely dealt with, or something for which you are indebted to someone." I admitted that such things existed, and she asked if I were willing to settle them immediately. I answered that I was willing.
She also asked how I went about bearing testimony. I replied that I pulled people in at random and began to speak, regardless of whether they were listening or not. She said, "This is not right. You must speak to God first, before you speak to people. You should pray to God, make a list of your schoolmates' names, and ask God which of them you should pray for. Pray for them daily, mentioning them by name. Then when God affords the opportunity, you should bear testimony to them."
After that conversation, I immediately began to deal with my sins by making restitution, paying debts, being reconciled with my schoolmates, and confessing offenses to others. I also entered in my notebook the names of about seventy schoolmates and began praying for them daily, mentioning their names individually before God. Sometimes I prayed for them once every hour, praying silently, even in class. When opportunity arose, I would bear testimony to them and try to persuade them to believe in the Lord Jesus. My schoolmates often said jokingly, "Mr. Preacher is coming. Let us listen to his preaching." The fact was that they had no intention to listen.
I called on Miss Groves again and said to her, "I have fully carried out your instructions. Why is it not effective?" She replied, "Do not be disappointed. Keep praying until some are saved." By the Lord's grace, I continued to pray daily. When opportunity arose, I bore testimony and preached the gospel. Thank the Lord, after several months, all but one of the seventy persons whose names were in my notebook were saved.
Though some had been saved, I was still not satisfied, because many in the school and in the town were still not saved. I felt the need to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to receive power from above that I might be able to bring more people to the Lord. Then I called on Miss Margaret Barber. Being immature in spiritual matters, I asked her if it was necessary to be filled with the Holy Spirit in order to obtain power to bring many to salvation. She answered, "Yes." I asked her concerning the means to be filled with the Holy Spirit. She said, "You must present yourself to God that He may fill you with Himself." I replied that I had already presented myself. But when I considered, I knew that I was still my old self. I knew that God had saved me, chosen me, and called me. Though I had not yet attained absolute victory, I had been freed from sins and evil habits, and many matters hitherto entangling me had been abandoned. However, I still felt the lack of spiritual power to cope with spiritual work. Then she told me the following story:
Brother Prigin was an American who had been to China. He had obtained a master's degree and was studying for a Ph.D. Feeling the condition of his spiritual life unsatisfactory, he sought the Lord and prayed. He said to God, "I have very strong unbelief; some sins I cannot overcome, and I have no power to work." For two weeks he asked God specifically to fill him with the Holy Spirit that he might lead a victorious life with power. God said, "Do you really want this? If so, do not take the Ph.D. examination two months from now, for I have no need of a doctor of philosophy." He felt he was in a dilemma. The Ph.D. degree seemed a sure thing; it would be a pity not to sit for the examination. He knelt down to pray and ask why God would not allow him to get the degree and be a minister as well. But here is a strange thing: Once God has made a demand, He sticks to it and never compromises with anyone.
The following two months were most painful. On the last Saturday of that period he experienced real conflict within. Did he want the degree or did he want to be filled with the Holy Spirit? Which was better: a doctor's degree or a victorious life? Others could be doctors and yet be used by God as well—why couldn't he? He was struggling and reasoning with God and was at his wits' end. The Ph.D. was dear to him and so was the filling of the Holy Spirit. But God would not give way. To choose a doctor's degree would make it impossible to live the spiritual life. To live the spiritual life would require forfeiting a doctor's degree. At length, with tears in his eyes, he said, "I submit. Despite my two years' study toward a Ph.D. degree, a goal which I have cherished for thirty years, ever since childhood, I have no alternative but to relinquish sitting for the examination for the sake of submission to God." Following this decision he wrote to notify the university authorities that he would not sit for the examination on Monday, thus abandoning hope for a Ph.D. degree once and for all. He was so exhausted that night that he could find no message to deliver the following day. So he simply told the congregation the story of his surrender to the Lord. On that day the congregation was revived. Three-quarters of them were in tears. He himself also gained strength. He said, "If I had known before that the result would be like this, I would have submitted earlier." His subsequent work was greatly blessed by the Lord, and he was one who had the deepest knowledge of God.
When I visited England, I intended to go on to the United States to meet him, but the Lord took him before I had the opportunity. But when I heard this testimony, I said to the Lord, "I am willing to remove anything standing between God and me in order to be filled with the Holy Spirit." Between 1920 and 1922 I went to at least two or three hundred people to confess offenses. After a further strict scrutiny of past events, I felt there was still something between God and me; otherwise, I would have had spiritual vitality. But despite further dealings in many ways, I still could not gain strength.
One day while seeking a theme from the Bible before delivering a message, I randomly opened the Bible and Psalm 73:25 appeared before my eyes: "Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee." After reading these words I said to myself, "The writer of this psalm can say that, but I cannot." I discovered then that there was something between me and God.
Since my wife is not present today, I will relate the story to you. About ten years before our marriage, I was in love with her. She was not then saved, and when I spoke with her about the Lord Jesus and tried to persuade her to believe, she laughed at me. I must admit that I did love her, but at the same time I suffered her laughter at the Lord I believed in. I also questioned at that time whether she or the Lord would have first place in my heart. I must say that once young people have fallen in love, they find it very difficult to give up their beloved. I told God of my willingness to give her up, but deep in my heart I was not willing. After reading Psalm 73 again, I said to God, "I cannot say that there is none upon earth that I desire besides Thee, because there is one on earth whom I love." At that instant, the Holy Spirit indicated clearly that there was something between God and me.
On that day I delivered a message, but I did not know what I was talking about. I was actually speaking to God, asking Him to be patient and impart strength to me until I could give her up. I asked God to postpone dealing with this matter. But God never reasons with people. I considered going to the frontier of desolate Tibet to evangelize and suggested many other enterprises to God, hoping that He might be moved not to raise again the question of my giving up the one I loved. But once God's finger has pointed to something, He will not withdraw it. No matter how hard I prayed, I could not get through. I had no enthusiasm for my studies in school, and at the same time I failed to acquire the power of the Holy Spirit, which I was earnestly seeking. I was in great distress. I prayed constantly, hoping that my earnest supplication might change God's mind. Thank the Lord that all along He wanted me to learn to deny myself, to lay aside human love, and love Him with a single heart. Otherwise, I would be a useless Christian in His hand. He cut down my natural life with a sharp knife so that I might learn a lesson which I had never learned before.
On one occasion I delivered a message and returned to my room with a heavy heart. I told God that I would return to school the following Monday and seek for the filling of the Holy Spirit and the love of Christ. During the following two weeks, I found that I still could not say with conviction the words of Psalm 73:25. But thank the Lord, soon afterwards I was filled with His love, and I was willing to lay my loved one down and loudly declare, "I will lay her aside! Never will she be mine!" After this declaration I was at long last able to utter the words of Psalm 73:25. On that day I was in the second heaven, if not the third. The world appeared smaller to me, and it was as if I were mounting the clouds and riding the mists. On the evening of my salvation, the burden of my sins rolled away, but on that day, February 13, 1922, when I laid aside my beloved, my heart was emptied of everything that previously occupied me.
[At that time Brother Nee wrote the following hymn:
How vast, immense, and measurelessThe love of Christ to me!How else could such a wretch as IBe blessed so graciously?
To bring me back unto Himself,My Lord His all did spend;So I would gladly bear the crossAnd follow to the end.
My all I have forsaken now,This blessed Christ to gain;Now life or death is no concern—What else can me restrain?
My dear ones, wealth, ambition, fame—What can they offer me?My gracious Lord for me was poor;For Him I poor would be.
My precious Savior now I love,Him only would I please.For Him all gain a loss becomes,And comfort holds no ease.
Thou art my comfort, gracious Lord!I've none in heav'n but Thee.And who but Thee is there on earthWith whom I love to be?
Though loneliness and trials come,My griefs I'd rise above.This only would I ask Thee, Lord:Surround me with Thy love!
O gracious Lord, I now beseech,Guide me through every stage;Stand by and strengthen me to goThrough this dark, evil age.
The world, the flesh, and Satan too,Do tempt my soul apace;Without Thy love and strength'ning powerI may Thy name disgrace.
The time, dear Lord, is running short;From earth my soul set free.When Thou dost come, I'll sing with joy,Hallelujah to Thee!]
In the following week, people began to be saved. Brother Weigh, who was my classmate, can testify to the fact that up to this time I had been very particular about my dress. I used to wear a long silk gown with red dots. But on that day, I removed my refined clothing and shoes. I went to the kitchen, made some paste, and with a bundle of gospel posters in my arms, went to the street to post them on the walls and to distribute gospel tracts. In those days in Foochow, Fukien, this was a pioneer act.
From my second school term in 1922, I began the gospel work, and many of my schoolmates were saved. I prayed daily for those whose names were in my notebook. From 1923, we began to borrow or rent places for meetings to expand the work of evangelization. Several hundred people were saved at the same time. All but one of those whose names were in my notebook were saved. This is evident proof that God listens to such prayers. It is His way that we must first pray for sinners before they can be saved. In those few years there were many instances to confirm this fact.
