Search
After being saved, Watchman Nee had a strong desire to serve the Lord. Although still in high school, he longed to be trained by Dora Yu in Shanghai. His mother agreed, and Dora Yu accepted him into her Bible school. However, because he had certain habits of which she did not approve, such as sleeping late, Dora Yu decided not to keep him. On one occasion she sent him to deliver mail to the downtown post office in Shanghai. Because of the long distance and the poor condition of the road, it took him longer than she expected. She assumed that he had gone to some amusement, which was actually not the case. But she dismissed him, and he returned home and finished his two years of college.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
After being saved, I continued on in school, though I had little interest in books. Others read novels in class, but I diligently studied the Bible. Later, desiring to pursue spiritual things further, I left school and entered Dora Yu's Bible Institute in Shanghai. However, before long she politely dismissed me, and I returned home. The reason she gave for her action was that it was inconvenient for me to stay there any longer. I realized that my flesh had not been dealt with. I was still fond of good food and fine clothing, and I enjoyed sleeping until eight o'clock in the morning. Dora Yu felt I was good material for the Lord's interest and had good prospects, but when she discovered my laziness, she sent me home.
At that time I was thoroughly disappointed and felt my future was doomed. At that time I even questioned my salvation. But surely I was saved! I even considered that I was quite good and that I had been transformed in many ways, not realizing that there was much yet to be learned and much to be dealt with. Confident that the Lord had saved me and called me, I could not be disappointed. I admitted that I was not yet good enough, but I felt that with the passing of more time I would improve.
Since the time was not ripe for me to continue my spiritual pursuits, I decided to return to school. When my schoolmates saw me, they recognized that I had changed, but I had not changed thoroughly, for I still occasionally lost my temper and did some things wrong. There were times when I seemed very much like a saved person, but at other times I seemed very much like an unsaved person.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
During his school days Watchman Nee's seeking after the Lord brought him into frequent contact with Margaret E. Barber. Miss Barber, an Anglican missionary, was sent to Fukien, China, in the latter part of the last century. Her co-missionaries became jealous of her and fabricated a serious charge which caused her to be recalled from the field. Miss Barber had come to know the Lord in a living way. She had deeply experienced the cross and practiced continually the lessons of the cross. For this reason, she decided not to vindicate herself concerning the charges made against her. She remained at home in Great Britain for a number of years. At a certain point, the chairman of the mission board became aware that the case against her was misrepresented, and he asked her to tell him the truth. He said he realized that she was seeking to learn the lesson of the cross and that she would say nothing in her own defense, but as one in authority over her, he commanded her to tell the truth. Miss Barber then told the whole story. She was fully vindicated before the mission board, and the decision was made to send her back to China. However, she resigned from the mission, considering that it was the right time to do so, even though she still had the burden to return to China for the Lord's interest.
Before this time Miss Barber had come in contact with D.M. Panton. Mr. Panton was both a great student of the Word and one who had learned the evils of denominationalism. Through her relationship with him, Miss Barber also became clear concerning the denominations.
After spending much time in prayer, she felt the Lord Himself was sending her back to China. She did return to China, but this time not in connection with any mission. From a human standpoint, she went back on her own in the early part of this century. She settled in a suburb of Foochow, Watchman Nee's home city. She lived there with little traveling and no publicity. She simply remained at home, praying much for the Lord's move in China and helping those who sought her counsel in seeking after the Lord. She was, no doubt, a seed sown in China by the Lord for His recovery. She composed a number of poems, many of which have been adapted for inclusion in our hymnbook (Hymns, published by Living Stream Ministry). All of them exhibit a deep experience in Christ.
Margaret Barber lived by faith. She had no outward means of support. According to Chinese custom, all bills must be fully paid at the end of the year. But at the end of one year, she discovered she was short one hundred twenty Chinese dollars. With only two days remaining until the Chinese new year, she prayed desperately to the Lord for this need. On the last day of the year, a cable arrived from D.M. Panton in London through the British bank in Foochow. The amount sent was exactly one hundred twenty Chinese dollars.
Through his relationship with Miss Barber, Watchman Nee was greatly edified and perfected. Whenever he had a problem or needed spiritual instruction or strengthening, he would go to her. She treated him as a young learner and frequently administered strict discipline.
At that time over sixty young brothers and sisters received help from Miss Barber. Being deep in the Lord and exceedingly strict, she frequently rebuked the young people concerning many things. After a short time most of these young people stopped going to her. The only one who continued to see her was Watchman Nee. When he visited her, she rebuked and reproved him. Frequently she pointed out that as a young man he could not serve the Lord in this way or that way. However, the more she rebuked him, the more he returned to be rebuked. By deliberately putting himself before her to be rebuked, he received untold help.
On February 7, 1950, in his fellowship with the church in Hong Kong, he said, "There were sixty-six young people under Sister Barber's training. In the first letter I received from Brother D.M. Panton, he said that it would be considered good if after ten years six of those young people would still remain. Now, after a long period of time, only four remain."
Margaret Barber was very much in the Lord's presence. One day Watchman Nee went to see her. While he was temporarily delayed in being received by her, he waited in her living room. He said that even though she was not yet there, he had a deep sense of the Lord's presence.
Day by day Miss Barber anticipated the Lord's return. On the last day of a certain year, as the two of them walked together, they neared a street corner. She said, "Perhaps as we turn the corner we will meet Him." She eagerly anticipated the Lord's coming back. She lived and worked under the hope of the Lord's return.
In 1933 Watchman Nee visited Europe. Throughout all his travels he said that he scarcely found one person in the Western world who could compare with Margaret Barber. It was through this sister that he obtained the foundation of the spiritual life. He frequently told others that it was through a sister that he was saved and that it was also through a sister that he was edified.
Margaret Barber went to be with the Lord in 1930. In her will she left all her belongings to Watchman Nee. These included little more than her old Bible with all the precious notes. Though he intended to write her biography, time did not allow.
In his open letter in the March 1930 issue of The Present Testimony, Watchman Nee made the following remarks concerning Miss Barber's departure: "We feel most sorrowful concerning the news of the passing away of Miss Barber in Lo-Hsing Pagoda, Fukien. She was one who was very deep in the Lord, and in my opinion, the kind of fellowship she had with the Lord and the kind of faithfulness she expressed to the Lord are rarely found on this earth."
Miss Barber always put Watchman Nee under Leland Wang (Wang Tsai), one of his co-workers. Leland was five years his senior and was continually disagreeing with Watchman's concept. This caused Watchman a great deal of suffering. When appealing to Miss Barber for the solution to their problems, she would continually put him down, saying that Leland was older than he. On one occasion a baptism was scheduled. Who should be the baptizer became a problem to them. Watchman referred the matter to Miss Barber. Her answer was that Leland should be the baptizer. When Watchman asked why, she answered, "Because he is older than you." Dan-wu, another brother with them, was older than Leland Wang. Watchman thought he could defeat Leland Wang by bringing up Dan-wu and suggested to Miss Barber, "Since Brother Wu is older than Brother Leland, he should be the baptizer." However, she still answered that Leland should be the baptizer. She would not yield him any ground so that he might learn the lesson of the cross and learn not to reason but to submit.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 1923 seven of us worked together as co-workers. Two of us took the lead, a co-worker who was five years my senior and myself. We had a co-workers' meeting every Friday in which the other five were often forced to listen to the arguing between the leading two. We were all young then, and each had his own way of thinking. I often charged the elder co-worker with being wrong, and vice versa. Since my temperament had not been dealt with, I frequently lost my temper. Today in 1936 I do sometimes laugh, but I seldom laughed at that time. In our controversies I admit that many times I was wrong, but he was also at times in the wrong. It was easy for me to forgive my own faults, but not easy to forgive others. After having a dispute on Friday, I would go to Sister Barber on Saturday and accuse the other co-worker. I would say, "I told that co-worker that he should act in a certain way, but he would not listen. You should speak to him." Sister Barber replied, "He is five years older than you; you should listen to him and obey him." I answered, "Am I to listen to him whether he is reasonable or not?" She said, "Yes! The Scriptures say that the younger should obey the elder." I replied, "I cannot possibly do this. A Christian should act according to reason." She answered, "Whether there is reason or not, you need not care. The Scriptures say that the younger should obey the elder." I was angry at heart that the Bible would say such a thing. I wanted to give vent to my indignation, but I could not.
Each time following the controversy on Friday, I would go to her to state my grievances, but she would again quote the Scriptures, demanding that I obey the elder. Sometimes I wept Friday evening after the dispute on Friday afternoon. Then I would go to Sister Barber the next day to state my grievances, hoping that she would vindicate me. But I would weep again after coming home Saturday evening. I wished I had been born a few years earlier. In one controversy I had very good arguments. I felt that when I pointed them out, she would see how my co-worker was wrong and would support me. But she said, "Whether that co-worker is wrong or not is another matter. While you are accusing your brother before me, are you like one who is bearing the cross? Are you like a lamb?" When she questioned me in this way, I felt very ashamed and I could never forget it. My speech and my attitude that day revealed that I was indeed not like one bearing the cross, nor like a lamb.
In such circumstances I learned to obey an elder co-worker. In that year and a half, I learned the most precious lesson in my life. My head was filled with ideas, but God wanted to see me enter into spiritual reality. In that year and a half, I came to realize what it is to bear the cross. Today in 1936 we have some fifty co-workers. Had it not been for the lesson of obedience which I learned in that year and a half, I fear that I could not work together with anyone. God put me in those circumstances that I might learn to be under the restraint of the Holy Spirit. In those eighteen months I had no opportunity to put forward my proposals. I could only weep and painfully suffer. But had it not been for this, I would never have realized how difficult it was for me to be dealt with. God wanted to polish me and to remove all my sharp, projecting edges. This has been a difficult thing to accomplish. How I thank and praise God, whose grace has brought me through!
Now I must speak a word to the young co-workers. If you cannot stand the trials of the cross, you cannot become a useful instrument. It is only the spirit of a lamb that God takes delight in: the gentleness, the humility, and the peace. Your ambition, lofty purpose, and ability are all useless in the sight of God. I have been down this path and must often confess my shortcomings. All that pertains to me is in the hand of God. It is not a question of right or wrong; it is a question of whether or not one is like the bearer of the cross. In the church, right and wrong have no place; all that counts is bearing the cross and accepting its breaking. This produces the overflowing of God's life and accomplishes His will.
