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Scripture Reading: Eph. 6:1-4; Col. 3:20
Apart from the book of Proverbs, the Old Testament does not seem to give us much teaching concerning parenting. In the New Testament, however, Paul wrote something about being parents. Most books in the world teach children how to be children; not many books teach parents how to be parents. Most people pay attention to teachings for children. But the New Testament pays much attention to teachings for parents. It does not pay much attention to teachings about being children. Although it does teach us something about children, the emphasis is not on children. Both Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3 put more emphasis on parents than on children. We should learn to be proper parents because God pays more attention to parents than to children.
If we try to summarize the words in the Bible concerning parenting, the main thing parents should do is nurture their children in the teaching and admonition of the Lord and not provoke them to anger or discourage them. This means that parents must exercise self-control and must not be loose in any way. This is Paul’s teaching concerning the subject.
As difficult as it is to be a husband or a wife, I hope you will realize that there is something more difficult — being a parent. Being a husband or a wife involves only two people; being a parent involves more. Being a husband or a wife is a matter of personal happiness; being a parent is something that affects the well-being of the children of the next generation. The responsibility over the future of the children of the next generation is on the shoulders of the parents.
We have to realize how serious this responsibility is. God has placed a person’s body, soul, and spirit, even his whole life and future, into our hands. No individual influences another individual’s future as much as parents. No one controls a person’s future as much as parents. Parents almost have a say in whether their children will go to hell or to heaven. We must learn to be good husbands and good wives, but above all we must learn also to be good parents. I believe that the responsibility of being a parent is more than that of being a husband or a wife.
Here we will consider the Christian way of parenting. The knowledge of this will save us from many headaches.
First, all parents must sanctify themselves before God for the sake of their children.
What does it mean to be sanctified before God? The Lord Jesus said, “For their sake I sanctify Myself” (John 17:19). This does not refer to being holy, but to whether or not one is sanctified. The Lord Jesus is holy and His nature is holy. But for the sake of the disciples, He sanctified Himself. There were many things that He could have done which were not contrary to His own holiness; nevertheless, He refrained from doing them because of weakness in the disciples. In many matters the disciples’ weakness directed the Lord and restricted His freedom. The Lord could do many things, but He did not do them because He did not want the disciples to misunderstand or be stumbled. As far as the Lord’s nature was concerned, He often could have acted a certain way. But He refrained from doing so for the sake of the disciples.
Similarly, those who have children should sanctify themselves for the sake of their children. This means that we should refrain from doing many things which we could do for the sake of our children. There are many things which we could say, but for the sake of the children we do not say them. From the day we bring our children into our family, we should sanctify ourselves.
If you do not restrict yourself, you will not be able to restrict your children. The looseness of those who do not have children, at the most, results in trouble for themselves. But for those who have children, looseness results in damage to their children as well as to themselves. Once a Christian brings a child into the world, he must sanctify himself. Two eyes, sometimes four, are watching you all the time. They will follow you all your life. Even after you have left this world, they will not forget what they have seen in you; the things you do will remain inside of them.
The day your son is born is the day you should consecrate yourself. You must set a standard for yourself in morality, in conduct at home, and in all moral judgments regarding right and wrong. You must set a high standard for what is ideal, and you must also set a standard for yourself in spiritual matters. You must act strictly according to these standards. Otherwise, you will have problems for yourself, and you will spoil your children. Many children are ruined by their own parents, not by outsiders. If parents are lacking in ethical, moral, and spiritual standards, they will ruin their children.
A young person makes decisions and judgments in his future life according to the training he received during his early years with his parents. A child may remember or forget what you say, but what he sees surely will remain in him forever. He develops his sense of judgment from you, and he also develops his system of values from you.
Every parent must remember that his actions will be repeated in his children; his actions will not stop with him. When you do not have children, you can do whatever you like when you are happy and give up and forget about everything when you are unhappy. But once you have children, you have to restrict yourself. You have to act according to the highest standard of conduct whether you like it or not. The whole life of Christian children depends on the behavior of their parents.
I remember a brother who said something when his son got into trouble. He said, “He is just a replica of me and I am just he.” When a parent sees something in his children, he must realize that he is seeing himself. He must see that they are his very reflection. They are just reflecting him. Through them he can see himself.
This is why every couple should consecrate themselves anew to God as soon as they have a child. They should come to the Lord and consecrate themselves to Him again. From that time forward, the Lord has committed a human being, with his entire spirit, soul, life, and future, into their hands. From that day forward, they have to be faithful to the Lord’s commitment. Some people are committed to a work for one or two years when they sign a contract. But this work lasts for their entire life; there is no limit to the term of this commitment.
Among believers in China, no failure is greater than the failure of parenting. I think this is due to the influence of paganism. Failure in one’s career cannot be compared to failure in parenting. Even failure in being a husband or a wife cannot be compared to failure in parenting. A husband or a wife can protect himself or herself, because both are over twenty years of age. But when a child is placed in your hands, he cannot protect himself. The Lord has entrusted a child to you. You cannot go to Him and say, “You have entrusted five children to me, and I have lost three.” You cannot say, “You have entrusted ten to me, and I have lost eight.” The church cannot go on if parents do not have a sense of being entrusted. We do not want to see our children being rescued back from the world. Suppose we beget children, lose them to the world, and then try to rescue them back. If we allow this to happen, the gospel will never be preached to the uttermost part of the earth. Our children have been taught many teachings, and we have been taking care of them for years. At least these children should be brought to the Lord. We are wrong if we do not take care of our children. Please remember that it is the parents’ responsibility to ensure that their children turn out the right way.
Please give me the liberty to say this word. Throughout church history, the greatest failure among Christians is the failure in parenting. This is something no one cares much about. The children are young; they are in your hands and can do nothing much themselves. If you are loose with yourself, you will also be loose with them. We must realize that parents must exercise self-control, sacrificing their own freedom. God has committed a human body, along with his soul, into our hands. If we do not exercise self-control and give up our freedom, we will have a difficult time answering to our God in the future.
Second, parents must not only realize their responsibility and sanctify themselves for the sake of their children; they must also walk with God.
One sanctifies himself for the sake of his children. But this does not mean that he can be loose and careless when he is by himself. He should not exercise self-control merely for the sake of his children. The Lord Jesus was not short of holiness in Himself. He did not sanctify Himself just for the sake of His disciples. If the Lord Jesus sanctified Himself merely for the sake of His disciples, but was not holy in Himself, He would have been a total failure. In the same way, parents must sanctify themselves for their children, but they themselves must also walk with God.
No matter how much zeal you show in your children’s presence, they can easily see through you if you are not genuinely zealous. They are very clear, but you may not be that clear. You may be a very loose person yet act carefully in their presence. In reality you are not the person you pretend to be. Please remember that your children can see through you easily. If you are a careless person and you try to act in a discreet way before your children, they will easily detect your carelessness and pretension. You must not only sanctify yourself before them for their sake, but you must also be genuinely holy in yourself, walking with God as Enoch did.
I would like to draw your attention to the example of Enoch. Genesis 5:21-22 says, “Enoch lived sixty and five years, and begat Methuselah: and Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters.” Before Enoch was sixty-five years old, we do not know his condition. After he begat Methuselah, we know that he walked with God three hundred years. Then he was taken up by God. This is a special case in the Old Testament. Before Enoch begat children, we do not know anything about his condition. But after Enoch begat Methuselah, the Bible says that he walked with God. When the burden of the family was upon him, he started to feel his weakness. He felt that his responsibility was too great and that he could not manage it by himself. So he began to walk with God. He did not walk with God just in the presence of his son; he walked with God even when he was by himself. He felt that if he did not walk with God, he would not know how to raise his children. Enoch begat not only Methuselah but also many other children; nevertheless, he walked with God for three hundred years. His responsibility as a parent did not hinder him from walking with God; rather, it caused him to walk with God. Eventually, he was raptured. Please remember that the first person who was raptured was a father. The first person to be raptured was one who had many children and yet who still walked with God. The way one bears his responsibility in a family is a reflection of his spiritual condition before God.
We must see that in order for us to bring our children to the Lord in a genuine way, we need to be a person who walks with God. We cannot send our children to heaven merely by pointing our fingers to heaven. We have to walk in front of them. Only then can we ask our children to follow us. Even though Christian parents want their children to be better than they are in the hope that their children will not love the world and will go on in a positive way, there are many bad families because the parents themselves draw back. If this is the case, they will never realize their goal no matter how hard they try. We must remember that the standard of the children cannot be higher than the standard of their parents. This does not mean that we should set a false standard. We should have a standard that is genuine and spiritual. If we have this, our children will come up to our standard.
Please forgive me for saying something that sounds simple and elementary. I once went to visit a family and saw the mother beating her child because the child lied. However, both the father and the mother in this family also lied. I learned that they lied on many occasions. But when their child lied, he was beaten. Honestly speaking, the child’s real mistake was only a deficiency in his technique of lying; he was caught lying. The only difference between the child and the parents was that one was caught lying while the others were not. It was not a matter of whether one lied, but a matter of skill. One lied, and he was caught and punished. If you have a double standard, how can you raise your children? How can you tell your children not to lie when you are a liar yourself? You must not have one standard for your life and another standard for your child’s life. This will never work. Suppose your children see and receive nothing but lies and dishonesty from you. The more you punish them, the more problems you will have. Some fathers tell their sons, “Wait until you are eighteen, and I will let you smoke.” Many children say in their heart, “When I am eighteen, my father will let me lie. I am not yet eighteen, so I cannot lie. But when I am eighteen, I will lie.” This pushes your children into the world. You must walk with God as Enoch did, in order to raise your children as Enoch did. If you do not walk with God, you cannot expect to raise your children the way Enoch did.
Please remember that your children will learn to love what you love, and hate what you hate. They will learn to treasure what you treasure, and condemn what you condemn. You must set a moral standard for yourself and your children. Whatever your moral standard is, that will be their standard as well. Your standard of loving the Lord will be their standard of loving the Lord. There can be only one standard in a family, not two.
I know of a family whose father is a nominal Christian. He never goes to church, but he wants his children to go every Sunday. Every Sunday morning, he gives a little money to each of his children and tells them to go to church. The money is for the children to make offerings. Later in the day, he plays a game of mahjong with his three friends. His children, however, spend the money on snack food. They play until the pastor is almost through with his sermon, and then they sneak into the building to hear a verse or two. When they go home, they give their father a nice report. They have snacks, they get to play, and they make a report. This, of course, is an extreme case.
I hope we can see that God has committed our children to us. There can be only one standard in the family. Whatever we forbid our children to do, we should not do. There must never be two standards in a family, one for the children and another for us. We must keep the same standard for our children’s sake. We must sanctify ourselves to maintain a standard. Once the standard is set, we must maintain it. I hope we will all take good care of our children. They are constantly watching us. Whether or not they behave well depends on whether we behave well. They are not merely listening to us; they are watching us as well. They seem to know everything. They know if we are pushing them around, and they know if we are acting in front of them. We should not think that we can deceive our children. No! They cannot be deceived. They know how we feel, and they are clear about the true picture. Whatever we demand of our children, we must take the same position in that matter.
After Enoch begat Methuselah, he walked with God three hundred years. What a beautiful picture this is! He begat many children, yet he could walk with God three hundred years. He was a genuine father without any pretense. Such a walk is altogether proper in the eyes of God.
Third, the father and mother must be of one mind in order for a family to be healthy. They must be of one mind in sacrificing their own freedom for God’s sake and in raising up a strict moral standard. The father must not have one view while the mother has another. I am talking about the case where both parents are Christians. It is another matter if one of them is not a Christian.
A father and mother often do not take the same stand. As a result, they give their children the ground to sin freely. It is not easy for children to have an absolute standard if their parents are not of the same mind. If the father says yes in regards to a certain matter but the mother says no, or vice versa, the children will go to the parent they like and the one they feel most comfortable with. If it is more convenient to ask the father, they will go to the father, but if it is more convenient to get an answer from the mother, they will go to the mother. This immediately creates a big discrepancy.
I know of an old Christian couple who held different views. One would have one opinion and the other would have another. Their relationship as husband and wife was poor. As a result, they also became poor parents. Their children would ask the mother about things she agreed with, and they would ask the father about things he agreed with. They manipulated their requests in this way. If the mother came home and asked the children about their behavior, they would say, “We have checked with Father.” If the father came home and asked the children about their behavior, they would say, “We have checked with Mother.” As a result, their children had complete freedom by manipulating their way through their parents’ inconsistencies. Twenty years ago I said to the father, “If this kind of condition continues, your children will surely turn away from the Lord.” He said, “That will not happen.” Today all of their sons have graduated from college, and some have gone overseas for further study, but none have believed in the Lord. They all are very undisciplined.
It is a different matter if one of the parents is an unbeliever. If both are believers, however, they have to expect God’s heavy hand upon them. If one is not a believer, either the believing husband or the believing wife can pray specifically for mercy. But if both are believers and they pull their children in different directions, they can expect nothing but trouble down the road.
Whenever children get into trouble, the parents must exercise themselves to be of one mind. They must have the same mind before their children. Whatever the children ask, the husband’s first answer should be, “Have you checked with your mother? What did she say? If your mother says yes, you can do it.” If you are the wife and your children ask for something, you first should answer, “Have you checked with your father? Whatever he says, I will say the same.” Whether or not the other person is right is a different story. You must maintain the same stand. If there is any dispute, both of you must go into your room to discuss it. Do not open a loophole for them. They will become loose once there are loopholes. Children always like to look for loopholes. If the husband sees a fault in the wife or vice versa, any question as to why something was said to the children must be asked behind closed doors. It is important to clarify any disagreement, but you must not allow your children to find loopholes in you. If the parents are of one mind, it will be very easy to lead the children to the Lord.
Fourth, there is a basic principle in the Bible that children are given by Jehovah (Psa. 127:3). According to the Bible, children are entrusted by God to man. One day you must render your account of this trust to God. No one can say that his children are his and his alone. The thought that one’s children are his own, that one can do whatever he wants with them, and that he has absolute control over them is a pagan concept; it is not a Christian concept. Christianity never teaches that children are ours. Rather, it acknowledges that children are God’s trust and that parents cannot exercise despotic control over their children throughout their childhood.
Some people hold on to the concept that parents are always right. They hold on to this concept even after they have become Christians. Please remember that many parents are not always right. Many times the parents are quite wrong. We should not pick up pagan concepts, and we should not assume that we have unlimited authority over our children.
Please remember that parents do not have absolute authority over their children. Children have their own spirit and their own soul, over which the parents have no control whatsoever. Since children have their own spirit and soul, they are under their own control. They can go to heaven, or they can go to hell. They must be responsible for themselves before God. We cannot treat them as an object or as property. We should not assume that we can exercise unlimited authority over them. God has not given us such absolute authority. God has given us unlimited authority over dead things, but He has not given us unlimited authority over human beings who have their own spirit and soul. No one can have absolute authority over another person with a spirit and a soul. The thought of absolute authority is a pagan concept. It is related to pride and should not be found among us.
We are reasonable with our friends and with other members of our family. We are courteous and reasonable with our colleagues and are even more courteous and respectful to our superiors. We try to get along well with every kind of person. But we treat our children as if they are our personal property, forgetting that they also have a spirit and a soul and that they are gifts from God. It is possible for us to vent our anger on them and treat them as we please. Some people think that they need to be courteous to everyone in the world except their own children. They seem to regard their children as the means of venting their anger. I know of parents who are this way at home. They seem to think that a man must be courteous and gentle and yet, at the same time, have a strong temper. It seems that they are not complete if they do not lose their temper. Nevertheless, they realize that they will be in trouble if they lose their temper with others. Their superiors will fire them if they lose their temper with them, and their friends will despise them if they lose their temper with them. They think that there is only one place where they can lose their temper without suffering punishment — with their children. Many parents have a terrible temper toward their children. It is as if their children were the cultivating ground for their temper.
Please forgive me for saying such strong words. I have seen many parents shout at their children over dinner and then turn toward me and say, “Mr. Nee, please take some of this food. It is delicious.” When this happens. I have no heart for the food. These things often happen within a span of just a few minutes. On the one hand, they scold their children, and on the other hand, they say, “Mr. Nee, please eat.” The problem with some parents is that they consider their children to be the rightful means for venting their anger. Did God give us children so that we have a place to lose our temper? May God be merciful to us!
Please remember that God has not denied all rights of children. He has not annulled all the self-esteem, personal freedom, or independent constitution of the children. He has not put them in our hands for us to beat them and scold them. There is no such thing. This is a non-Christian thought; it is not a Christian concept. Please remember that the same standard of right and wrong equally applies to us and our children. There should be only one standard for us and our children. We cannot have one standard for ourselves and another standard for them. Let me say a word to the new believers. You must be tender and gentle to your children. Never be rude to them. Do not scold them or rebuke them arbitrarily, much less beat them at will.
Please remember that such conduct leads to indulgence. Everyone who wants to know God must learn to control himself. In particular, he should control himself when it comes to dealing with his children. This kind of self-control comes from a proper respect of a child’s soul. No matter how small or weak a child is, remember that he has his own personality. God has given him a personality and a soul. You must not damage his character, destroy his personality, or despise his soul. You must not treat him in an arbitrary way. You must learn to respect him as a person.
At the same time, our children are entrusted to our family. Their standard of morality must be our standard of morality. Whatever applies to them must also apply to us. Parents have no right to vent their wrath on their children. A Christian should not lose his temper with anyone, not even with his own children. It is wrong for us to lose our temper with anyone, no matter whom it may be. We should be reasonable, and we should only reason with our children. What is right is always right and what is wrong is always wrong. Do not intimidate them just because they are small and weak. Those who oppress the weak and the small are the most cowardly people in the world.
Two students were once talking to each other in school. The girl said to her classmate, “I know my father. He is willing to die for me.” Listen to what she said! This is the comment of a child about her father. Her father was a Christian. This was the kind of father he was to her. The other girl was also from a Christian family. Her father was harsh and lost his temper with his daughter easily. Once she heard a sermon at school. When she arrived home, her father asked her what she had learned. She answered, “I now know that the Lord has given you to me to be my cross.” Both fathers were Christians. But what a difference between them!
I would say to the parents: Be slow to demand obedience from your children. Instead, first demand that you yourselves be good parents before the Lord. If you are not good parents, you can never be good Christians. God does not give us children for the purpose of making us their crosses. God gave us children so that we will learn to honor their freedom, personality, and soul before the Lord.
Fifth, Paul showed us an important thing that parents should not do — they should not provoke their children to anger (Eph. 6:4).
What does it mean to provoke children to anger? It means the excessive use of authority. One can overpower his children with physical strength. This is always possible because parents are stronger than their children. Or one can try to subdue his children with financial power. He may say, “If you do not obey me, I will not give you any money. If you do not listen to me, I will take away your food and clothing.” Since the children depend on him for their living, he overpowers them with his money by threatening to withdraw his support. Some parents dominate their children with physical power, and others dominate them with their iron will. This can provoke their children to anger. When they are provoked, they will wait for the chance for their freedom. One day they will break their bondage and seek total freedom.
I know a brother whose father gambled, smoked, and behaved rudely at home. He embezzled public funds and was involved in many other unscrupulous businesses. But he still went to church, and he wanted all of his children to go to church. He would rebuke and punish them severely if they did not go. He ruined his children’s taste for the family, all the while insisting that they go to church. Later, the brother said, “I vowed that when I grew up one day, I would never go to church. As soon as I could support myself, I was going to turn away from the church.” Even though he swore this way, eventually he was saved. Thank God! Otherwise, he would have become another anti-Christian proponent. This was a very serious matter. The father did not try to make his children love him, yet he demanded that his children go to church. This never works. This provokes children to anger. Parents should not exercise excessive authority over their children or provoke them to anger. They must never make their children hardened and rebellious toward them.
I remember another man who is not saved. Not long ago I saw him. He was forced to read the Bible when he was growing up at home, and he was forced to read the Bible when he went to a parochial school. I am not saying that parents should not charge their children to read the Bible. I am saying that you must attract them and be an example to them yourself. It will never work if you merely tell them that the Lord is precious, yet constantly abuse them. There was a mother who was a nominal Christian. She had a terrible temper. She insisted that her son read the Bible and go to a parochial school. One day he asked when he could stop reading the Bible. His mother replied, “When you finish secondary school, you can stop reading the Bible.” On the day that he received his high school diploma, he took his three copies of the Bible and burned them in the backyard. You must draw children in a natural way. Otherwise, when their anger is provoked they may do anything. You want them to be good, but they will rebel against you when they become free. This is what is meant by provoking children to anger. Do not provoke your children to anger. You must learn to be proper parents, to have love, tenderness, and a proper testimony before them. You must also be an attraction to them. Do not exercise your authority excessively. Authority can only be exercised under self-control. If you are excessive in your use of authority, you will stifle your relationship with your children.
In addition, you should show proper appreciation for your children when they perform well. Some parents only know how to punish and scold; they know nothing else. This easily provokes their children to anger. Please remember that many children do have a desire to be good. If you have nothing for them except punishment and rebuke, they will become disheartened, according to Paul’s word in Colossians 3:21. They will say that it is useless to do good because their parents will not acknowledge it. You must encourage your children when they perform well. You can say to them, “Today you have done well. I will reward you. I want to give you something special.” Children do need to be disciplined, but they also need to be rewarded. Otherwise, they will become disheartened.
I read of a story about a little girl whose mother only knew how to beat and scold her children. The child had a good disposition when she was young. Since she felt that her mother did not approve of her, she decided that she would work especially hard one day to try to please her. When evening came, her mother undressed her, put her to bed, and began to walk away. As the mother was walking away, the daughter called to her. The mother asked what she wanted. She did not say anything. When the mother started to walk away again, the daughter called again. When the mother asked her again, the daughter said, “Mother, do you not have anything to say?” This is one of the stories told by Mr. Bervin. After the mother left, the girl cried for two hours. Her mother was too insensitive. She only knew how to beat and scold her daughter; she was insensitive to everything else.
Please remember that the New Testament has more teaching for parents than for children. The whole world speaks of the mistakes that children make, but the Lord spoke of the mistakes that parents make. Since the world speaks so much about children’s mistakes, we do not have to say too much about them. The Bible tells us parents can indeed provoke their children to anger and dishearten them through their insensitivity. This is why it speaks so much about parenting. This occupation is more difficult than any other occupation in the world. Those who are parents must devote all their energy and mind to be proper parents. Please do not be insensitive to your children.
Sixth, parents’ words are very important to children. You must not only be a pattern to your children but also realize that your words are very important to them.
Please remember that parents should not say anything to their children that they cannot carry out. You must not make empty promises to your children. Do not promise them something if you do not have the ability to fulfill your promise. Do not make a promise to them if you cannot fulfill it. If your children want you to buy something, you have to consider your financial ability. If you can do it, do it. If not, you must say, “I will do my best. I will do what I can do. But I cannot do what is beyond my ability.” Every word of yours must be reliable. You should not think that this is a small matter. You must not allow your children to doubt your words. Not only must they not doubt your words, but they also must have the assurance that your words are accurate. If the children find their parents’ words to be unreliable, they will grow up acting carelessly. They will think that since one can be careless with his words, he can be careless with anything. Some expressions can be used only in politics; they are not factual. Parents should not use such expressions. Many parents are apparently too kind to their children. They promise whatever their children ask, but nine out of ten times they cannot fulfill their promises. Such wonderful promises produce only one result in the children — disappointment. You must promise only things that you can do. If you cannot do a certain thing, do not promise it. If you are not sure whether you can do it, tell them so. Your words must be accurate.
Sometimes you are not making a promise, but giving an order. If you open your mouth to ask your children to do something, you must make sure that it is done. You have to make them realize that you mean what you say. Many times you give a proper order, but you forget about it. This is wrong. You should not tell your children that it is all right if they do not carry out your order this time, just as long as they do it the next time. If you excuse them, you are not doing them a favor. You should show your children that once you say something, they must carry it out whether or not you remember it. If you say it once, you can say it a hundred times. If your word counts for one thing, your word should count for a hundred things. You should not nullify your own words. Show them from their youth that words are hallowed, whether they are a promise or an order. For example, if you tell your child to sweep his room every morning, you must first consider whether or not it is within his ability to do it. If he does not do it today, you must make sure that he does it the next day. If he does not do it the next day, you must make sure that he does it the third day. You must uphold your order this year, and you must uphold it next year. You have to show your children that your words are not uttered lightly and that once they are uttered, they have to be carried out. If they find that your words do not count, your words will become ineffective. Hence, every word out of your mouth must be practical and principled.
Sometimes you exaggerate your words. You must find an opportunity to tell your children that you exaggerated your words on that particular occasion. Your words must be accurate. Sometimes you see only two cows but you say that there are three, or you see five birds but say that there are eight. You must correct yourself immediately. In speaking to your children, you must learn to always correct yourself. You should learn to say, “What I just said was not that accurate. There are two cows, not three.” You must show them that words should be sanctified. Everything that happens in the family should be for the building up of Christian character. You must sanctify your words. When your children speak, they should also sanctify their words and be accurate with them. When you say something wrong, you must make a point to admit your mistake. In this manner you will train your children to sanctify their words. Many parents say five when they mean three or three when they mean two. They speak loosely and do not set up good patterns at home. As a result, their children never realize that words are sacred.
All these problems occur because there is a lack of discipline from the Lord. We should experience the Lord’s discipline and lead our children to the Lord’s discipline. At least we should show them that words are sacred. Every promise should be realized and every order should be carried out. Every word has to be accurate. If we do this, our children will receive proper training.
Seventh, you must nurture your children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). The discipline of the Lord is telling a person how he should behave himself. You must consider your children as Christians, not Gentiles. The Lord’s discipline tells a person how he should behave as a Christian. The Lord intends that all of our children become Christians. He has no intention that any of them be a Gentile or an unsaved person. You should plan on all of them becoming not just Christians, but good Christians. You should tell them what a proper Christian is by teaching them the discipline of the Lord. Here we must briefly cover a number of points.
The biggest thing about a child is his aspirations. Every child has an aspiration when he is young. If the government allowed every child to print his business card, I think many children would print “President,” “Chairman,” or “Queen.” Parents must help their children to have proper aspirations. If you love the world, your children will probably want to be the president, a millionaire, or a great academic. How you live affects the aspirations of your child. Parents must learn to channel the ambitions of their children in the proper direction. They should aspire to be a lover of the Lord. They should not aspire to love the world. You should cultivate such an ambition within them while they are young. Show them that it is an honorable thing to die for the Lord, that it is a precious thing to be a martyr for the Lord. You have to be an example to them, and you have to tell them your ambitions. Tell them what you want to be if you are given the opportunity. Tell them what kind of Christian you want to be. In this way, you will channel their ambitions in the proper direction. Their goals will change, and they will know what is noble and what is precious.
Children have another problem: They are not only ambitious and aspiring but also proud of themselves. They may boast about their own cleverness, skill, or eloquence. A child can find many things to boast about. He may think that he is a very special person. Parents should not discourage them, but neither should they cultivate their pride. Many parents cultivate their children’s pride and encourage them to go after vainglory by heaping praises upon them in front of other people. We should tell them, “There are many children who are like you in this world.” Do not try to encourage their pride. We should enlighten children according to the discipline and admonition of the Lord. They should be able to think, to speak, and to learn all the skills. But you have to tell them that there are many who are like them in this world. Do not destroy their self-esteem, but do not allow them to become proud. You do not need to hurt their self-esteem, but you must point out their pride to them. Many young people leave home only to find out that they have to spend ten or twenty years in the world in order to learn how to do things properly. By then it is too late. Many young people have a wild temper at home. They are so proud that they cannot work properly. We do not want our children to become disheartened, but neither do we want them to be proud or to think that they are somebody.
A Christian needs to know how to appreciate others. It is easy to be victorious, but it is hard to accept defeat. We can find champions who are humble, but it is rare to find losers who are not bitter. This is not a Christian attitude. Those who are good in some areas should learn to be humble and not boastful. At the same time, when a person is defeated he should learn to accept his defeat. Children are very competitive. It is all right for them to be competitive; they want to win at ball games, track meets, and in their school work. You have to show them that it is right for them to study well at school, but they have to learn to be humble. Encourage them to be humble. Tell them that there are many other students who may be better than they are. When they are defeated, you need to teach them to accept their defeat with grace. A child’s problem often has to do with these attitudes. After a game the winner is proud, while the loser will complain that the judge was not fair or that he made the wrong judgment because the sun was glaring in his face. You should help them to develop a humble character. They should be under Christian admonition and should develop Christian character. They can win, and when they lose they can also appreciate others. Admitting defeat is a virtue. The Chinese are greatly lacking in this virtue. Most Chinese blame others when they are defeated instead of conceding with grace. You must nurture your children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord.
Many children say that their teacher plays favorites when others do well on tests. When they do not do well themselves, they say their teacher does not like them. Here we see the need for humility. Christians must have the virtue of accepting defeat. If others are good, we have to say promptly that they are good. We also have to accept defeat and concede that others are smarter, more hard working, or better than us. It is a Christian virtue to accept defeat. When we win, we should not look down upon everyone else. This attitude is unworthy of a Christian. When others are better than us, we have to appreciate them. Others may jump higher or be stronger than us. We should train our children to acknowledge achievement in others, while they are still living at home with us. This training will help them understand themselves when they grow up as Christians. We should know ourselves and appreciate those who are better than us. If our children are this way, it will be easy for them to experience spiritual things.
I hope that we will pay attention to this matter. In many aspects we have to teach our children according to the discipline of the Lord. From their youth, we should give them a chance to make their own choices. We should not make every choice for them until they reach the age of eighteen or twenty. If we do, it will be impossible for them to make any decisions when they grow up. We have to always give them the opportunity to make decisions. Give them the chance to choose what they like and what they do not like. We have to show them whether their choices are right. Give them the chance to choose and then show them the right choice. Let them see it for themselves. Some like to wear short dresses. Some prefer one kind of color, while others prefer another kind of color. Let them make the choices by themselves.
Some people do not give their children the opportunity to make choices. As a result, when their children reach their twenties and marry someone, they do not know how to be the head. You can tell them that the husband is the head of the wife, but they will not know how to be the head. You must not allow them to wait until they are married to find out that they do not know how to be the head. If at all possible, give your children plenty of opportunity to make decisions. When they grow up, they will then know what to do. They will know what is wrong and what is right. Give a child opportunities to make choices from the time he is young. I will say a word to all those who have children: “Give them a chance to choose.” Otherwise, many Chinese children will be damaged when they grow up. The damage is often manifested when the children are between the ages of eighteen and twenty. They act in irresponsible ways at this age because they have never been called upon to make any choices. We must teach our children according to the discipline of the Lord. We must teach our children to make choices rather than making all the choices for them. We have to let our children know whether they have made the right choices.
We must also teach our children to manage things. We must give them the opportunity to take care of their personal belongings, to manage their own shoes, socks, and other affairs. Give them a little instruction and then let them try to manage things by themselves. Let them know how things should be handled from their youth. Some children have a bad start because their fathers love them blindly and do not know how to train them. As Christians, we have to train our children to manage their things properly.
I believe if the Lord is gracious to us, we will gain half of our increase from among our own children and the other half from the “sea” (i.e., the world). If all the increase is from the sea and none is from among our own children, we will not have a strong church. Paul’s generation could be saved directly from the world, but the generation after Paul, men like Timothy, came in through their families. We cannot expect our increase to always come from the world. We have to expect the second generation, men like Timothy, to come from our own families. God’s gospel does save men from the world, but we also need to bring in men like Timothy. Before the church will be rich, there must be grandmothers like Lois and mothers like Eunice who raise, edify, and nurture their children in the discipline of the Lord. If there are no such people, the church will never be rich. We must give our children the opportunity to manage things from their youth. We must give them the chance to learn to arrange things by themselves. Hold family meetings frequently and allow the children to make decisions. If we have to rearrange the furniture, involve them in its rearrangement. If we have to rearrange the cupboard, involve them in its rearrangement. Teach them to manage things. Whether we have daughters or sons, we have to teach them to manage things. Then they will become a good husband or a good wife in the future.
What is our situation today? Girls should be cared for by their mothers. But many mothers do not take care of them, and the burden is turned over to the church. Boys should be cared for by their fathers. But many fathers do not take care of them, and the burden is also passed on to the church. As a consequence, as men are saved and brought into the church, the business burden of the church doubles. This is because those who are parents do not live properly as Christian parents. After the church preaches the gospel and saves men, it has to deal with all kinds of family problems associated with these men. But if parents are responsible for the proper nurturing of their children, and if the children are brought up in the church, the church will be relieved of half of its burdens. In Shanghai I have often felt that the workers should not be handling the many affairs that they handle; those affairs should be handled by the parents. The parents do not teach their children well, and these children drift into the world. As a result, we have to rescue them back from the world and pick up the burden of teaching them ourselves. This creates much work for the church.
Eighth, we must lead them to the knowledge of the Lord. A family altar is indeed necessary. In the Old Testament the tabernacle was linked to the altar. In other words the family is linked to service and consecration to God. No family can go on without prayer and the reading of the Word. This is especially true with families that have children.
Some families fail in their prayer and Bible-reading time because their family meetings are too long and too deep. The children do not understand what is going on. They do not know why you are asking them to sit there. I do not like it when families invite us to their homes to speak about deep doctrines and then force their children to sit with them. Some home meetings go on for one or two hours about difficult doctrines. This is indeed a great suffering for the children. Yet many parents have no feeling about this. The children sit there, but they do not understand. For example, if the topic is on the book of Revelation, how can they understand it? The home meetings must suit the children. These family meetings are not designed for you; your meeting is in the meeting hall. Do not impose your standard on your family. What you do in the family must suit the taste of your children and must be on their own level.
Another problem with some home meetings is that there is little love in them. It is neither the father’s attraction nor the mother’s attraction that draws the children to these meetings; it is the whip that keeps them there. They do not want to join. But they come because there is the threat of the whip. If you take away the whip, they will not come. This will never work. You must think of some ways to attract them and encourage them. Do not punish them. Never beat your children for not attending your family worship hour. If you beat them once, you may create a problem in them for the rest of their lives. Parents must attract their children to the family worship hour. Do not force them to come. This will only result in terrible consequences.
We suggest having two home meetings a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. The father should lead the morning time and the mother should lead the evening time. Get up a little earlier. The parents must not remain in bed after the children have taken their breakfast and gone to school. If you have children at home, you have to wake up earlier. Have a little time together before the children go to school. Your meeting should be short, living, and never long. Perhaps ten minutes is enough. Fifteen minutes is the longest it should be. Never exceed fifteen minutes and do not be shorter than five minutes. Ask everyone of them to read a verse. The father should take the lead to pick out a few phrases and speak about them. If the children can memorize something, ask them to memorize. Do not quote a whole verse. Ask them to remember the meaning of a sentence. At the end of the meeting the father or the mother should offer a prayer for God’s blessing. Do not offer lofty or deep prayers. Pray about things that children can understand. Do not be long. Be simple. Then send them to school.
Every time you sit down for your meal, you should thank the Lord for it. Whether it is breakfast, lunch, or dinner, you should be sincere in your thanksgiving. Help your children to give thanks. The evening meeting should be a little longer, and the mother should lead it. It is not necessary to read the Bible at night, but the family needs to pray together. In particular, the mother has to gather the children together and talk to them. While the father is sitting next to her, the mother should encourage the children to speak up. Ask them whether they had any problems that day. Ask whether they fought with one another and whether anything was bothering them. If a mother cannot make her children speak up, something must be wrong. It is a failure of the mother to allow a barrier to exist between herself and her children. The mother must be at fault if the children are afraid to speak to her. They should be free to speak up. The mother must learn to bring out the things that are in her children’s hearts. If they do not want to speak up that day, ask them the next day. Guide the children. Let them pray a little and teach them to say a few words. This meeting must be living. Ask them to confess their sins, but do not force them. There must not be any pretense. Everything must be done in a very natural way. Let them take some initiative themselves. If they have something to confess, let them confess. If they have nothing to confess, do not force them. There must not be any pretense. The pretense found in many children is the result of pressure from strict parents. Children do not tell lies, but you can force them to tell lies. The parents should lead them to pray in a simple way one by one. Make sure that everyone prays. Finally, conclude with a prayer of your own. But do not be long. Once your prayer becomes long, children become bored. Feed them according to their capacity. Once you try to do too much, you will overburden them. Pray a few sentences with them and then let them go to sleep.
Let them know the meaning of sin. Everyone sins. You must pay attention to the matter of their repentance and then bring them to the Lord. After some time you should ask them to receive the Lord sincerely. Then bring them to the church and let them be a part of the church. In this way you will lead your children to the knowledge of God.
Ninth, the atmosphere in the family should be one of love. Some become psychologically abnormal or withdrawn because they do not have love at home.
The way a child grows up depends on the atmosphere in his family. If a child does not receive any loving nurturing as he grows up, he will become stubborn, individualistic, and rebellious. Many people cannot get along with others in their adult life because they did not experience love in the family as a child. They saw only quarrels, arguments, and fights in the family. Children from such families grow up abnormally. Those who come from such abnormal families surely grow up to be lonely people. They will be antagonistic toward others. Because they feel inferior in their heart, they try to boost their self-image by considering themselves better than others. All those who have an inferiority complex have a tendency to exalt themselves. This is their means of offsetting their own inferiority.
Many bad elements in society such as robbers and rebels come from families which are void of love. Their personality becomes warped, and they turn against their fellow man when they grow up. When they come to the church, they bring their problems with them. I feel that half of the work of the church can be done by good parents. But this work falls upon our shoulders today because there are few good parents. New believers should see that they should treat their children in a proper way. A family must be filled with an atmosphere of love and tenderness. There must be genuine love. Children who grow up from such families will become normal persons.
Parents must learn to be friends to their children. Never allow your children to distance themselves from you. Never make yourself unapproachable. Please remember that friendship is built upon communication; it does not come by birth. You must learn to approach your children. Be happy to help them so that they will tell you when they encounter problems and seek your counsel when they are weak. They should not go to others when they are weak. They should be able to tell you their successes as well as their failures. You should be their good friend, the approachable and helpful one to them. They should look to you when they are weak and fellowship with you when they are successful. We have to be friends to them. When they are weak, they should be able to come to us for help. We should not be a judge on the throne but a help to them. We should be there whenever they need help, and we should be able to sit down with them and discuss problems with them. They should be able to seek counsel from us as from friends. In a family the parents must earn so much trust from their children that they become their friends. If a parent will do this, he or she will have done the right thing.
You have to learn this lesson from the time the children are young. How dear and near your children are to you depends on how you treat them the first twenty years of their lives. If they are not near to you the first twenty years of their lives, they will not be near to you when they are thirty or forty years old. They will drift further and further away from you. Many children do not like to be near their parents. They are not friends to them and there is no sweet relationship between them. They go to their parents when they have problems in a way that resembles a criminal going before a judge. You must work to such an extent that your children will come and seek your advice first when they have problems. They must feel comfortable confiding in you. If you can achieve this, you will find few problems in your family. In fact, all problems will be solved.
Tenth, there is the matter of punishment. When a child has done something wrong, he or she must be punished. It is wrong not to punish.
The most difficult thing is to punish someone. Those who are parents must be afraid of beating their children. They must consider it as serious as beating their own parents. No children should beat their own parents. One can be forgiven for beating his own parents, yet he will not be easily forgiven for beating his own children. You must learn to be afraid of beating your own children and must consider it as serious as beating your own parents.
However, beating them is sometimes necessary. Proverbs 13:24 says, “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: / but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” This is Solomon’s wisdom. Parents should chastise their children with the rod. Beating is necessary.
If you beat, however, you must beat justly. Do not lose your temper, and do not beat in anger. No one may beat their children in anger. Something is wrong with you when you are angry. Brothers and sisters, when your children do something wrong, and you beat them in your anger, you should realize that you also should be beaten. You must calm down first before God. As long as you are angry, you cannot chastise anyone.
Some problems must be settled by beating. But you must show the child what you are beating him for. If you need to beat him, you also need to show him his fault. You must show him his fault each time you beat him. You must tell him what his fault is. It is not enough to try to stop his fault by beating him. You have to explain to him that you are beating him because he is wrong in certain things.
Every time you beat a child, you must not do it in a common way. You must show him that beating is a big thing. The whole family has to know about it. All the adults and children have to come together. The father or the mother has to carry out the beating like a surgeon performing an operation. A doctor does not cut with a knife out of anger; he cuts to remove a problem. In the same way a parent must not punish in anger; he or she must be calm. Parents must never beat their children in a state of fury. On the one hand, they must point out the fault. On the other hand, they must not be angry in any way.
How should you do it? I have a suggestion. By the time you have a cane in your hand, the child must have committed some very serious wrong. While you are holding the cane in your hand, you should ask the child’s brother to fetch a pail of warm water and his sister to fetch a towel. Then you have to show the child what he has done wrong. You have to tell him that anyone who has done something so serious must be punished severely. He should not flee from his mistakes. Fleeing from punishment is wrong as well. A person must be bold to receive punishment if he is bold to commit sin. Tell him that he has done something wrong and that you have no choice but to punish him. The beating is for him to realize his wrong. You may beat him two times or you may beat him three times. Perhaps the child’s hand will bruise and bleed from the beating. You should then ask his brother to soak the bruised hand in the warm water to relieve the blood circulation. Afterward you should wipe the child’s hand with the towel. You have to do this ceremoniously. Show them that there is only love in the family; there is no hatred. I believe this is the right way to punish.
Today much of the punishment in the family is the result of anger and hatred, not love. You say that you love your children, but who will believe you? I will not. You must let them know where they are wrong. Let them know that their father is not beating them in hatred. When you beat, do it properly. After you beat them, you should take them to bed. If the offense is too serious, the mother or the father can share two of the child’s stripes. You have to tell the child, “This matter is too serious. I have to beat you five times. But I am afraid that you cannot take it if I give you five stripes. So your mother will share two of them and your father will share one of them on your behalf. You yourself must still take the other two stripes.” You have to show him that this is a serious and grave matter. He will remember not to sin freely for the rest of his life.
This is the Lord’s discipline; it is not the discipline of your temper. It is the Lord’s admonition, not the admonition of your temper. I do not stand with the temper of any parent. The temper of the parents will ruin the future of their children. The parents must learn to have true punishment for their children. But, at the same time, they must also learn to love. This is the proper way to have a Christian family.
Finally, I would say that many men whom God used in this world came from great parents. Beginning with Timothy, we find numerous men used by God who came from great parents. John Wesley was one of them. Another one was John Newton. There are many hymns in our hymnal written by Newton. John G. Paton was another one. He was one of the most famous missionaries in the modern world. I can think of no other father like his father. In his old age Paton still remembered, “Every time I wanted to sin, I remembered my father, who was always praying for me.” His family was very poor. There was only one bedroom, one kitchen, and another small room. He said, “I trembled every time my father prayed and sighed in the small room. He was making petition for our souls. Even though I am so old now, I can still remember his sighing. I thank God for giving me such a father. I cannot sin, because when I sin, I transgress against my heavenly Father as well as my earthly father.” It is difficult to find a father like Paton’s father, and it is difficult to find a son as great as Paton.
I cannot tell you how many strong believers would be raised up in our second generation if all the parents of this generation would be good parents. I have always wanted to say this: The future of the church depends on the parents. When God bestows grace on the church, He needs vessels. There is the need for more Timothys to be raised up. It is true that we can save men from the world, but there is a greater need for raising up people from among Christian families.
