Date:September 24, 1948
I believed in the Lord Jesus and consecrated myself to Him through the gospel preaching of Brother Nee. I read many books published by the Shanghai Gospel Book Room. My husband was a preacher. He was very good at preaching, and his messages were full of life. He wrote a letter to me once, saying, "You have to take this way. This way gets narrower and narrower." Three days after I was married, I began to experience rejection and slander from his relatives. During the first seven years of my marriage, I cried almost every day. I heard Brother Nee's messages on overcoming, yet I often lost my temper. One of my children died of sickness, and I became very sad. During that time my husband was away from home.
The hardest person to deal with in the family was my mother-in-law. Her word always pricked me. I could not stand it. I also suffered much on account of family finances. My husband went into business at one time and was quite successful, but he soon failed. I exhorted him to withdraw from business and to give himself to preaching again. I asked God to have mercy upon me and to bless me. One day I prayed desperately and asked the Lord to fill me with His love. I told Him, "Lord, I am not worthy. I am not worthy. I am willing to obey You unconditionally." May the Lord remember my tears which I have shed throughout the years.
Our sister suffered much criticism from the day she was married to her husband. These unjust words stirred up many feelings in her. The words from her mother-in-law were especially unbearable, but all these were for one purpose. God wants you to learn one fundamental lesson — you have to go on no matter what others say to you. If you had ignored the criticism, you would have felt better. When our Lord Jesus was on earth, others criticized Him as a gluttonous man and a drunkard. This was a great insult to Him, but He did not harbor any feeling about this and did not say anything. Others said that He was possessed by demons. He was not affected by these words either. The Lord turned a deaf ear and was dumb towards these piercing and untrue criticisms. He did not answer and did not react in any way.
Our Lord was mocked on the cross by a robber beside Him and by those passing by, who said, "Come down now from the cross that we may see and believe" (Mark 15:32). The Lord did not mind these things. He did not answer one single word. You have lived this way for over twenty years. When you were in school, you were innocent and full of feelings. As soon as you started your family, everything seemed to turn upside down. Nothing seemed to match your plan and expectations. You began to have a temper. That was the first time you encountered the cross in a serious way. Of course, this was hard for you to take. But it was the Lord disciplining and purifying you through the cross. The Lord allows two kinds of people to remain on this earth: Those who criticize and those who are being criticized. If God gave you a choice of having a sharp tongue to criticize others or having an ear to receive sharp criticism, which one would you take? If you love the Lord and take His way, you would choose the latter.
You have to learn to be an overcomer, one who accepts criticism. In your testimony you confessed that you often lost your temper. You have to know that temper is not a sickness but a symptom. This is like saying that fever is not a sickness but a symptom of a sickness. A person has a fever because he is sick. In the same way, temper is only a symptom to a man; there may be many reasons for having a temper. Some are proud. As soon as others touch their pride, they become angry and lose their temper. Others have a temper because they love themselves too much. If such ones need eight hours of sleep, they become angry if others disrupt their sleep for one minute. They love themselves, and they need every minute of their sleep. Temper has a cause behind it. Unless the cause is removed, the temper will always come back. Unless one removes the root beneath the temper, his temper will explode sooner or later.
Our sister is quick in feelings and thoughts. All who are quick in feelings tend to love themselves. They are also easily offended. Those who are slow in feelings do not easily indulge themselves in self-love and also are not easily offended. Those who have a desire to be good and victorious can easily become arrogant. Our sister has a temper because first she loves herself. She also wants to be ahead of others. You are sensitive in your feelings, and this can easily turn into a kind of self-love. You have to remember that your sensitivity can easily lead you into arrogance. It is true that your mother-in-law is a hard person to deal with, but you did not lose your temper because of your mother-in-law. I am not saying that she is right. You lost your temper because of the spiritual problem you have before God. If you love yourself and want to do well in everything, you will lose your temper when others touch or frustrate you. This has nothing to do with an impetuous disposition. You have a temper because you are proud, you want to be ahead of others, and you want to be good and victorious.
You have to learn two things. First, let others say what they want to say. Second, do not be concerned about what others are saying. If others say that I am possessed by a demon, that I am a gluttonous man and a drunkard, or that I am evil, what difference does that make to me? The most they can do is consider me to be these things. You have to take others' criticism in stride and use it as a means to deal with your self-love. You have to know that the Lord has special arrangements and leadings for you. He is purging all pride from you. Others can speak as they please, but we can choose to ignore their words.
When a man is hurt, he closes himself up and takes care of his own wounds. He is like a wounded dog who moves away from other dogs to lick his wounds. In principle, you are acting this way. Your mother-in-law has criticized you, and you have heard much criticism among the brothers and sisters. When you come to the meeting, you are a bystander. You hide inside your shell and have become a lonely person. A Christian may be crucified, but he should not have the feeling of being a martyr. It is all right to be a martyr but never all right to have the feeling of being a martyr.
Consider your own life. After you were married, your life took a big turn. You were married to a brother, and you knew that the way was difficult. During the war you suffered material shortages for two years. On top of that, the Lord prepared a special trial for you — your mother-in-law. You had thoughts of serving the Lord and helping the brothers and sisters, but when your mother-in-law ill-treated you and the brothers and sisters criticized you, you wanted to quit. You no longer had a heart to be a Christian. So you chose to sit on the last row in the church meetings. For twenty years you have been licking your wounds. Now I will not let you go. I hope that you will deal with your problem today. If we cannot help you to get through now, we have failed. You have to see the Lord's hand. He is dealing with your self-love and pride. Unless you go through such dealings, your self-love and pride will never go away.
For years you have acted like an ashamed person. You have been criticized, ill-treated, and embarrassed, but if you overcome these things and accept the discipline of the Spirit from now on, you will become a useful person. Otherwise, you will be the same as before. If you suffer and lick your wounds, constantly complaining of your lot in life, you will become a useless person. Once you learn your lesson, you will enter other people's feelings and be able to render help and guidance to those who are in the same condition. Do not think that you are finished because you have lost your temper, failed, and become weak. If you overcome today, your failures for the last twenty or thirty years will become history. You will see that there is no reason to pity your own wounds or to love yourself. You should only accept the environment and experiences that the Lord has arranged for you. You should allow them to trim you and destroy all that is important to you. This is your way.
You may think that you have nothing more to say with all of your history of failure. When a man fails to learn his lessons from the thousands of failures he experiences, he may think that he has lost his testimony and is hopeless. But as long as you overcome this last time, all of your past failures will be covered. Peter denied the Lord three times. We all know that this was a great failure. He would have been finished indeed if he only tended to his wound and looked at himself. The Lord told him to establish his brother once he had turned again (Luke 22:32). Today your future is the same as Peter's. The question now is what are you going to choose. If you overcome now, you will render help to many. When other younger sisters have similar problems, you will be a guide to them.
