Date:September 14, 1948
I was born into a Christian family and studied in a parochial school. Others considered me to be a good and well-behaved student, but I was not clear about my salvation. I thought that a man is saved by his works. Later I found out that salvation is by faith. I was baptized on September 6, 1929. Later I was married, and my second daughter died at the age of nine months. Fortunately, the Lord's word comforted me. In 1936 I became gravely ill and almost died of an intestinal disease, but the Lord healed me. During the Second World War the Lord preserved me so that I did not die from starvation, bombs, or sickness. I am timid by nature and do not like to expose myself. I am shy about talking to others. It is the Lord's mercy that I am able to come to the mountain to be trained. After listening to all the truths, I realized how far I have been from the standard. At the same time, my poor health has precipitated self-pity. My heart is active, and I want to do many things, but I often find myself unable to do anything. I would like to know what is the relationship between treating the body according to the natural law and temperance.
At the end of your testimony, you spoke of your timidity. Timidity or fear is a symptom, not a sickness. An underlying reason for fear is self-preservation. The more a man tries to preserve himself, the more fearful he becomes. The less a man is willing to suffer, the more he fears. Our sister has to put herself in the Lord's hand decisively and unreservedly at least once. You have to be bolder. You have to stand up against self-love, self-pity, and self-preservation. Do not be afraid of being hurt. If you will do this, your pathway will be straight. Those who are physically strong can do many things. Even though you are weak and unable to do many things, you still are full of fear and self-love. This is from your own confession. You cannot decide whether you should go along with the natural law of health or whether you should ignore yourself. A man can maintain the natural laws of health without indulging in self-love. In contrast, a man can break natural laws and be still very much indulgent in self-love. Keeping the natural law is one thing and being indulgent in self-love is another thing. We should only be concerned with whether or not we are indulgent in self-love while we are taking care of the natural laws. We should take care of our health before God. It would be wrong, however, for this care to become a form of self-love. That is not the straight way. Once a man indulges in self-love, he misses the opportunity to learn many things. It is very easy for a man to indulge himself in self-love. If a man cannot be free from such love, he should seek to touch God. It appears that those who do not abide by the natural laws tend to be more self-loving than those who do. It is good that you can ask this question. It shows that you are sensitive to this issue. You have to ask the Lord to save you from self-love.
Naturally speaking, you are a gentle and tender person. Your outer man is not hard, and your spirit is also sensitive. Considering your background and personal condition, it is interesting that others are able to touch the tender side of your human nature. For this reason you should express God all the more. If you allow the Lord to inflict wounds, scars, and bruises in you, you will express God's life more and will become rich. If you cherish your self-love and hesitate to deny your self, you will not have many scars, and others will only touch your natural meekness and goodness. Your spirit will not be released freely. If the wounds are not deep enough, there will not be the outflow of a wounded spirit. If your outer man is broken, you will have the following results: Others will easily touch your spirit; your spirit will easily be released, and there will be less distance between you and others. If your old man is broken, your inner man will flow easily, and others will be able to approach you easily. When your spirit does not flow easily, others cannot approach you easily. This is the reason you feel far from others. There is distance between men because there is little breaking of the outer man. A man whom God uses is one who has no distance between him and others. Paul and Peter were such men. The obstacles between you and others must be removed before your spirit can flow. Do not love yourself, preserve yourself, care for yourself, or cherish yourself. You have to place yourself in the Lord's hand and allow Him to break you. You should not have any reservation or any thought of self-preservation. If you can do this, you will have no fear. As soon as you are delivered from these feelings of self, your fears will go away.
You can see God's hand while you are in the training here in Kuling. It seems that God has started the breaking work already. You have to say to the Lord, "I have seen this way. Make me one who can deny myself. I pray that Your breaking hand will work on me more each day." You have to see your own frailty, and you must not seek glory from men. Rather, you should be satisfied with being despised. You have to ask the Lord to remove all thoughts of self-love. If you have these spiritual dealings with yourself, you will have a bright, spiritual future, and you will be able to go on in the Lord's work.
