Date:June 21, 1948
I was saved at a time that I least expected. After I was saved, I loved to read the Bible and pray. My desire was to be a model pastor. Later I entered a Bible school. After three years, I graduated and was assigned a preacher's job. Upon reading Brother Nee's magazine The Christian, I came to know about the meaning of the church. Yet human affection restrained me from leaving my denomination. Later I heard Brother Nee preach at Hardoon Road, Shanghai, about the grain of wheat falling into the ground and dying to bear much fruit in John 12:24. That message opened my eyes to see how the church is produced. Brother Chang Kwang-rong once preached in P'ing Yang, Chekiang province, on the standard of a servant of God. I felt that I was unworthy to be called a servant. I prayed that the Lord would touch Brother Nee to call for a national co-workers' conference once again. The Lord heard my prayer, and I was able to attend the last special conference in Shanghai. My past has been fraught with sufferings. I have encountered pirates three times, bandits once, civil wars twice, and sickness many times. But thank the Lord, He has brought me through safely. I feel that I am too old and that the young people should take up much of the work. Yet the responsibility of the church is still on my shoulders. I do not want to hold on, yet I have to bear it. This is my problem.
Our brother is the main worker bearing responsibility around Wenchow, Chekiang. He must not retire. For years the war in our country prevented the co-workers from having regular fellowship with each another. It is a good sign that your natural interest for the Lord's work has diminished. It is good to be delivered from the self. But at the same time, you should be more aggressive by the power of resurrection. In the Lord's work, contradictions exist. Brother Hwang should encourage this contradiction. This contradiction will show you how much you are for the Lord. By living under such contradictions, one realizes how he can serve the Lord with more purity. On the one hand, we are no longer driven by natural interest in the work; we can give ourselves to the work, and we also can retire from the work. This is the experience of death. But it is not right to only have death without resurrection. On the positive side, we must be strengthened by the resurrection life so that we can labor even more than when we were young. It concerns me that some people pay much attention to the work but do not produce much fruit. For us to continue working is a matter of responsibility. It is a matter not of preference but of responsibility. Paul said that woe was to him if he did not preach the gospel and that he would receive a reward if he preached willingly. But even if he was not willing, the responsibility was still upon him. It is good to experience more of such contradictions.
If a man pays too much attention to his work, it becomes hard for him to let go. However, it is easy for him to become passive when he lets go. God often leads men through the valley of death. Brothers Yu-ting, Chin-fa, and Tien-zhu have all died. This puts the churches in P'ing Yang in great trials. I have to ask my brother, "After you are no longer attached to your work, are you clearer about how much of your service is truly for God?" When a man loses interest in the work, he finds out whether or not he is for the Lord. When a man is young, he likes to do this and that. But it is merely a demonstration of the power of the flesh and the natural man. When things are different, that is, when we are in the midst of dark days, we truly find out how much of our work is for the Lord. I am afraid that the things related to our youthful zeal had very little to do with the Lord. Most of them were for ourselves or for others. Only as the self recedes does the Lord begin to work in an inward way. The Lord can purify us so that the more we serve Him, the simpler we become.
Brother, you have to take care of two things. First, your life of contradiction must be strengthened. Even when you do not find any interest in your work, you still have to go on. Second, you should be strengthened in resurrection. You may have experienced the first point; that is, you have lost your natural interest in the work. But in regards to the second point, you still have a responsibility and commitment, and you have no other choice but to carry this responsibility or else the church will collapse. You have to rise up above death and face the crises in the church. Some people work because they are driven by a lust for work; if we stop those who work in this way from working, we are asking them for their life. Brother, you have to be delivered from any lust for work. Any such lust has to be put to death. But then you must be strengthened in resurrection. You have to know that you are a servant of God. If He has a demand, He will surely give you the strength to meet this demand. When we are old, our service is no longer a matter of preference. The Lord told Peter that when he was young, he girded up his loins and walked wherever he wished. But when he was old, he would have to stretch out his hands, and another would carry him where he did not wish to go (John 21:18). This is the time when a worker is tested. The greatest test of our consecration is when we work for the Lord because we see His need. It is no longer a matter of preference but a matter of the Lord's demand. What we do during times of reluctance is more reliable than what we do during times of preference.
We do not work for God when we feel like it and stop when we do not feel like it. We have to work in resurrection and look for the supply in the Body. Resurrection is found in the church. Therefore, the supply of the resurrection life is also found in the church. We have to experience a breakthrough with all the saints through the supply of the Body. Let us forget about whether or not we have an interest or feeling concerning our work. When all the brothers and sisters give themselves to the church, they overcome together by the resurrection life. Paul was once discouraged. It seems as if he wanted a break from his work. Yet as soon as Silas and Timothy came from Macedonia, he was immediately constrained by the word (Acts 18:5). He had been reasoning and persuading every Sabbath. Perhaps he was frustrated and ready to take a rest. Perhaps he was pressed beyond measure. But when Silas and Timothy showed up, he was constrained by the word. He continued to speak about Christ, returning to his former subject. Just when Paul was about to become discouraged, the coming of two young brothers strengthened his spirit. Perhaps you do not have two young brothers to come to your aid yet. But we hope that in the future they will come. It would not be right for you to retire now. If you set your eyes on the problems and do not draw supply from the power of resurrection, your problems will become heavy weights; they will not lead you anywhere. If you have the supply of the Body, your life of contradiction may increase while your natural interest dies out. (On the one hand, death is terrible, but on the other hand, it is very useful.) Under the operation of death, the power of resurrection will be manifested.
