Date:August 23, 1948
My father was an atheist. When I was seventeen I saw a demon being cast out of a man. I was touched by the Lord's authority and believed in Him. Four years ago I became sick and vomited blood profusely. Through prayer I was healed. In 1933 Brother Nee conducted a special conference in Shanghai. The subject of the messages was Christ and the church. Christ is the victorious Lord. I received much help from these messages. I also received much help from Ministering to the House or to God? The Lord wanted me to consecrate everything to Him. My wife was not of the same mind, and I gradually became more lax. Two things happened last year which took away all of our money. I became very sad. Once our house caught on fire. The Lord heard my prayer; He changed the direction of the wind and sent rain to us. I was spared from death. I asked my wife, "I could have died from this fire. How many husbands do you have to spare? You and I and our whole family have to hand ourselves over to the Lord." Later I went to Foochow and handed myself over.
Our brother's course has been quite straight. The Lord has been merciful to him in this way. Yet God's children should not pray for outward grace all the time. We should learn to receive inward grace. The grace we receive from the Lord outwardly should not exceed the lessons we learn inwardly. We should, of course, thank the Lord for the outward grace. But if our flesh is never dealt with, we will still be strong and stubborn. The Lord healed ten lepers, but only one came back to thank and praise Him. We have to learn to pick up the inward lessons even when there is no outward blessing. Sometimes we know the Lord more when He does not answer our prayer. Of course, we should not go to extremes like the ascetics. We have to be balanced. We can thank the Lord for His outward grace. But we should not force God to do anything. We can ask God for outward grace, but we should not force Him to do what He does not want to do. Once I was talking to Sister M. E. Barber in the living room, and two sisters were praying in the back room. One of them was quite forceful. Miss Barber asked, "Should you pray like she does?" Before I could answer her, she said, "You should never pray like she does. You can never force God to answer your prayer." When a man is desperate, he wants to force God to do what He does not want to do. The spiritual condition of God's children involves a balance between the inward and the outward. If there are many outward experiences with very few inward experiences, it means that there is very little inward knowledge. We must always maintain a balance between the outward and the inward.
The fundamental exercise for a Christian is to pick up the inward lessons first. When a man is under God's mercy, he will experience outward grace frequently, and this grace is indeed necessary. But if a man has not learned the inward lessons, no outward grace will profit him anything. The Israelites experienced much outward grace, but they did not know the Lord. No one witnessed as many outward miracles as the Israelites, yet no one rebelled against God as much either. In the same principle, the church in Corinth received much outward knowledge and many gifts. Outwardly speaking, it could have been the most blessed church. Yet it lacked inward grace. The Corinthians did not learn the lessons inwardly. This is the reason Paul said that they had become kings, while he with the other apostles were still among the least (1 Cor. 4:8-9). We must turn inward for our lessons. I believe our brother has maintained an inward knowledge of the Lord all these years. When an incident arises, we have to see what God is doing and what lesson we have to learn from it.
Our brother's spirit has everything to do with the way he took in the past. When one speaks, we have to notice whether or not his spirit is pure. The first half of his testimony was weak in spirit. His spirit became a little stronger in the second part. Our brother should have wounds in his spirit. Otherwise, others will only hear his words but not touch his spirit. In serving the Lord a worker should learn to have a broken spirit. In the Old Testament we find the expression a contrite spirit, that is, a spirit that is broken and not whole. We can call it a "scarred spirit." After a man is smitten by God, he will become broken; he no longer can be whole again. It will be easy for him to prostrate himself and for his spirit to be released. The worst thing that can happen to a worker is to have a whole spirit. After a man is smitten, he will not be able to lift up his head again; he will no longer be whole. There is a difference between brokenness and strength. Brokenness is a matter of taste, while strength is a matter of power. A broken spirit is a stricken spirit; it has to do with taste. After a father or mother disciplines his or her children severely, the children behave differently. Although they still eat, work, listen, and speak, the flavor is different; they now have a disciplined spirit. Spontaneously, they are no longer nonchalant or careless; there is not the need for them to consciously check themselves. A disciplined spirit spontaneously cultivates a fear for the Lord. It is not a performance but a restriction that comes naturally. Such a person can easily prostrate himself, and he is always pliable. Those who have never been disciplined do not know what this taste is like. As I was listening to our brother's testimony, I felt that his spirit was released yet the wound was not deep enough. I hope that there will be more wounds in our brother so that he will not be able to stand up again before God. The increase of wounds always facilitates the outflow of the spirit. Once the spirit flows out, it is easy to touch others and approach them. Some people remain at a distance from others' lives; their words can never reach others' hearts. If the spirit is broken, not only are words released but the words are released through the spirit as well. Although our brother has deeper wounds than other brothers and sisters, these wounds are not deep enough. Our wounds should be as deep as possible. The more wounds we have and the deeper they are, the easier it is for our spirit to be released.
