Date:August 17, 1948
I was born into a family steeped in Buddhism and Confucianism. When I attended school at a denominational parochial school, I heard the Lord's gospel and immediately accepted Him. I loved to subscribe to spiritual publications, in particular those put out by the Shanghai Gospel Book Room. Once a brother helped me understand the truth concerning assurance of salvation. I had thought about going into a seminary, but when I met Brother Nee, he told me that very few great servants of the Lord had passed through seminaries. I did not have the light at that time and went through and graduated from a seminary anyway. From there I foolishly spent four years teaching in a Bible school. Others used me during this time to oppose the local church. Later I read the article "A Debate concerning Denominationalism" in The Christian, and I realized that the local church is right. Although I saw this truth, I did not take the ground myself. Later I moved to southeast Asia and worked in the Christian and Missionary Alliance Church. It was during this time that I began to feel dry and condemned. I felt that I merely had doctrines; I did not have any life supply. I began to lose interest in the denominations. Later I received from a brother the book Rethinking Our Work (The Normal Christian Church Life). After I read it I received the light and quit my job at the Christian and Missionary Alliance Church. Brother Nee agreed that I would go to Shanghai to be trained and to live by faith. Yet I had too many considerations. I was uneasy at heart and did not submit to the discipline of the Holy Spirit. I am not qualified to serve the Lord. May the Lord be merciful to me so that my one talent will become useful. May this uncomely member become comely, and may the Lord be glorified.
On the one hand, you are quite seeking, and you are doing your best to take the Lord's way. On the other hand, as you have confessed, you spend too much time considering many things. There are two kinds of people with regards to spiritual things: those who admire and those who consecrate. The second kind have offered up everything in an absolute way and have cast every consideration aside. You have enough admiration, but you are short in consecration. Because your consecration is shallow, your way is not straight. In order to take this way, a man has to give up his all and offer everything to the Lord. If a man only admires but does not consecrate, he will be wasting his spiritual future. You have turned from one problem to another, from one way to another. In the early days a group of people in Foochow admired much but accomplished nothing; they wasted their life because they were short in consecration. You have enough light to turn away from the world, but you do not have enough light to destroy the love for the world. You have enough light to know the errors, but you do not have enough light to depart from the errors and do the right things. This kind of life is painful. I hope that you will receive enough light this time to drop all the enjoyments of the world to follow the Lord.
A man can only choose one kind of joy; he cannot have two kinds of joy. He cannot have spiritual joy and worldly joy at the same time. If he does, he will be unhappy in both worlds. It is impossible to have spiritual joy and worldly joy at the same time. You are better than many spiritual Christians already, yet you are still not strong enough. You have to be a little more violent when it comes to the kingdom of the heavens. You have to be a little more violent in paying the price, in offering up your all. You have to put everything into one basket. To use a less refined term, you have to take a big gamble. If you have never consecrated yourself absolutely to the Lord, you will turn away at the first sight of a test. The discipline of the Holy Spirit will not produce any result in you. I hope that you can have a fresh start and that God's tests will consummate in good results. You have to accept the discipline of the Holy Spirit. Otherwise, you will suffer great loss before the Lord. You have been a believer for twenty years. You cannot say that the discipline of the Spirit has not produced any fruit during these twenty years. But you must not run away before the discipline finishes its work. If you do not humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, instead always planning a new start of your own, you will not see any result to your discipline. We become rich when the discipline of the Holy Spirit is turned into spiritual teachings for us. If we cannot suffer to wait for the result of the discipline of the Spirit to consummate in us, we will waste His work. We do not have many decades to waste. It is a pity indeed if we do not receive the fruit of the discipline of the Spirit during this time. Only those who have accepted the discipline of the Spirit have God's word, and only they can serve Him. Brother, I advise you to accept the discipline of the Holy Spirit. This will produce fruit, and you will be able to lead others on. You have to be delivered from all forms of laziness and ease. You have to make up your mind to offer yourself to the Lord. Do not just admire the spiritual pathway. You will not receive anything if you only admire but do not sacrifice. When the Lord operates in you, you have to stand on the Lord's side and allow the Spirit's discipline to produce some fruit in you.
Our brother also has to learn to hold himself back when he speaks. If he is able to hold himself back, the spirit will be released. Of course, there are those who need to release themselves before their spirit can come out. Usually, however, a man has to hold himself back before his spirit can be released.
