Date:August 13, 1948
I was born into a non-Christian family. Once I heard the gospel and was touched to believe in the Lord Jesus. Later I became quite effective in working for the Lord. I thought, however, that this was due to my ability. I did not realize that it was the Lord's grace. I became proud and failed and then fell into darkness. This pitiful state continued for seven or eight years. During this time my parents passed away, and my brothers, sisters, and cousins were under my care. Sometimes as I was reading the Bible or praying, Satan would accuse me of being a sinner and tell me that my sins could not be forgiven. No one came to help me, and I could not prove my salvation. One night I rose up to pray in the middle of the night. Hell appeared to open to me. I wanted to commit suicide, yet I was too afraid. I was very bothered. One day I read 1 John 1 and began to doubt the matter of forgiveness of sins. Later I thought that since I did not sin willfully, the Lord would surely forgive my sins.
Concerning the pursuit for holiness, I saw that this is not something that I can accomplish, but that the Christ on the throne accomplishes. For two years I was very busy in my job, but I was actually living a dry and wilting spiritual life. In the middle of one night, only being half-conscious, I heard a voice crying, "Fire, fire." I rose up hurriedly to put out the fire. There were over twenty people sleeping upstairs, and the fire was downstairs. The Lord's voice awoke me to put out the fire, and all of them were saved. Once I was a manager of a company, but in name only. I received good pay, but I did not have peace within. I realized that I had never submitted to any authority. I am a rebellious person. I prayed and asked the Lord to deal with me without concern for my pain. Shortly thereafter, I was hurt in an accident. I felt that my being was split into two parts. I was in much pain, but inwardly I was full of peace. The doctor said that I needed to stay in bed for a few months. Thank the Lord that He spoke to me. He healed my wound, and in one or two days I was able to get up from my bed. I had many questions in the past, but I no longer have any questions. I believe the Lord will enlighten my way through our brother.
I do not know how much of God's speaking we have missed throughout our lifetime. If a man misses the discipline of the Holy Spirit, he misses God's speaking. If we are willing to humble ourselves and accept everything under the discipline of the Holy Spirit, the result will be the ministry of the word. If the discipline of the Holy Spirit does not consummate in any result, it will be a loss both to ourselves and to the church, because it will be a loss in the ministry of the word. If a man obeys God and does not rebel, the result will be a spontaneous uplifting of the ministry of the word. The many experiences we have of God's dealings are for the purpose of producing a word within us. We often are in His hand, yet we foolishly miss the opportunities that He has provided for us. The fruit of the work of the Holy Spirit is the ministry of the word. We need to have the ministry of the word before we can serve others. Under the discipline of the Holy Spirit, a vessel may break; that is, a man may lose his temper and begin to argue with God. Such a man is not able to meet others' needs. If a man neglects or fails to learn his lessons under the discipline of the Spirit, he has suffered in vain. The worst thing that can happen to a man is when he has the Spirit's discipline yet does not have the necessary result that comes from the discipline. It is a pity that some pass through the sufferings foolishly and ignorantly without learning any lesson.
There are two negative things that can possibly result from the discipline of the Holy Spirit. First, a man can go through such discipline ignorantly. Second, a man can begin to argue with God, murmuring and complaining against Him. The discipline that affords proper lessons to some can be ignored by others. These latter ones go through such experiences blindly and do not understand the Lord's intention behind them. They do not learn any lesson from them. I met a brother whom I have not seen for over ten years. He has suffered much, but he did not learn any spiritual lesson from his sufferings. On the one hand, we can attribute this to the shortage of supply in the ministry of the word in the church. Yet the discipline of the Spirit is never lacking, and we should never say that there are no lessons to be learned. A person who has lost the time of his discipline cannot supply others with the word. This is a loss in the discipline of the Holy Spirit. This loss in discipline is actually a loss to the ministry of the word.
In all the dealings we face, we have to see the Lord's hand. We have to see that the Lord is constituting, carving, and molding us. The constitution of the Holy Spirit is not just an idea; it is constituted through the experience of all the circumstances around us. All the experiences we have in our environment are the result of the Spirit's constituting work. His discipline is actually His constitution. The golden lampstand is beaten out of pure gold. The beating produces the mark, which is the result of the discipline of the Spirit. Everything that goes on in our environment is for the producing of the beaten lampstand. The way of the ministry of the word is not the way of gift, but the way that is wrought through God's beating. We are all clear within that the way today is the way of the Spirit's discipline. Where there is the discipline of the Spirit, there is the ministry of the word through the New Testament ministers. Everyone who is used by God is beaten and molded by God. To speak only by gifts, doctrines, truths, and teachings is not our way.
Once we acknowledge the discipline of the Spirit we will have fruit; we will have the speaking, the ministry of the word, and we will be able to supply others with Christ. But if we pass our days under the Lord's discipline in darkness or rebellion, we have suffered in vain. The church also will have suffered great loss. It is too great a loss to suffer without bearing any fruit. We must learn some more so that God can speak to us more. The Lord has been dealing with us for years, yet we often have neglected His dealings and wasted much time. May the Lord be merciful to us so that every one of us can function in the ministry of the word and supply others with Christ.
