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Every time a brother and a sister are married, I have to say something. It is a little hard for me to speak tonight because I spoke a word just a few days ago. I am here again after only a few days. It seems too soon for me to speak again on this subject. We have mentioned one thing again and again among us; perhaps, it is good to mention it again today. I have said over the past few years that we should not consider marriage to be nothing but happiness. If our hope is too high, our disappointment will become great. Brother Ping and Sister Bau, this may be the beginning of happy days, but there are surely days of suffering ahead. It seems that the word suffering is not a very appropriate word for an occasion like today. Perhaps I should say that all of the days ahead may not be happy ones. A few days ago I said that happiness will come after five years. Two years ago I met a family in Hangchow. Perhaps I can say that it was an ideal family, the best that I have seen. I asked the brother, "It seems to me that you have an ideal family, but at what point did your family become so ideal? Did it start from the day that you were first married, or did it begin sometime afterward?" He wondered what I meant, so I said, "I somewhat hold to the notion that a happy family life begins five years after the marriage. The honeymoon is the beginning of bitter waters; the waters do not turn sweet until later." In the evening we sat and talked in the courtyard. He was silent for a while and then suddenly jumped up and said, "You are right. At the beginning there was quite a lot of friction and noise between the two of us. Later it went away." During the past few days, I have met with Brother Ping a few times and Sister Bau also. They have bought their wok, their dishes, their broom, and their towels. But tonight I will ask you to bring home one more thing. If you do not bring this home, you cannot form a real family. You have to bring this home before your family can become a family. This one thing is the adjustment of the differences between the husband and the wife.
Formerly you both lived as individuals, and you were free to do whatever you wanted. But now your tent has been nailed down; the stakes are there, and something binds you. From now on there is another person in your life and living. The two are together and have become one. The Chinese have a saying: "To make two become one." If there is only one person, nothing will happen; there is no need for harmony if there is only one person. Oneness is the representation of harmony. The ultimate expression of harmony is oneness. Therefore, it is right to say, "To make two become one." But this is exactly where the problem lies. In the beginning everything was well between Adam and Eve because God made Eve out of Adam and gave her back to Adam. The two became one. They were one becoming two and two becoming one again. The problem today, however, is that Sister Bau did not come out of Brother Ping. The first part of the story is missing; only the second part is present. Our wedding meeting is only the second half — putting together two persons with different lives, different educational backgrounds, different upbringings, and differences in everything. If we merely put the two together, they are still two. Only when the two become one will the family be free from trouble. If the two cannot become one, the family will never be a success. You can do without all the miscellaneous things in a family, but you cannot do without this one thing.
You may ask me whether I have the assurance and the way to deal with the differences between husbands and wives. Brother Ping and Sister Bau, are you ready? You have to start picking up this matter immediately. This is one item of furnishing that you must have. From now on, you will see each other more, and you will also rub each other more. The question is whether or not there is oil in your rubbing. It may be difficult to find such a thing among the unbelievers or in the world. But thank the Lord that we are Christians, and it is easy to find this. Some among us today are not yet believers, and it is impossible to find this among them. But we are believers, and we can consider this matter from God's view. God has divided all people into two categories: those who are in Adam and those who are in Christ. If our brother and sister remain in their position in Christ, this couple, this family, will never run into trouble. But if they live in the other realm, if they live in Adam, it will be impossible to not get into trouble as a couple and as a family. We should never think that as long as the woman manages the home well and the man keeps his job, the family will be kept together. Just as spirituality is needed in a meeting, spirituality is needed in the family as well. Just as the meeting life has much to do with our spirituality, the family life also has much to do with our spirituality.
I have seen many families. I have been a guest in at least a hundred to two hundred homes. Of course, the number of families I have contacted exceeds this number. Many people think that a golden era will come after they are married and that they will have a wonderful life and family. But after three days, the husband discovers that his heavenly angel is just an ordinary girl, and the wife discovers that her imaginary hero is just one from among two hundred million Chinese. If a couple lacks the calibrating factor, what will be the result? What will happen after one month, two months, a year, or two years? If they were given the choice again, they would say that they would be the last ones to get married. Many regrets and thoughts of change occur because a couple did not adjust their differences at the beginning of their marriage. Therefore, I will speak a little on the adjustment of differences.
A husband has to set his mind on becoming a husband, and a wife has to set her mind on becoming a wife. Many husbands become husbands in a mindless way; they have no intention of living like a husband. Likewise, many wives become wives in a mindless way; they have no intention of living like a wife. They bump into each other, and one happens to become the husband, while the other happens to become the wife. If you want to be someone's husband or wife, you have to do it intentionally. You have to be a husband or wife consciously and conscientiously. Nothing in this world can be accomplished in a haphazard way. Even if you want to be a nanny or a rickshaw driver, you can succeed only if you do it intentionally and conscientiously. No one can succeed in being a husband or a wife in a mindless or haphazard way. Once, a brother and a sister were about to be married, and they asked me for a word to symbolize marriage. I said that marriage is like taking a job. It is a job to be a husband, and our brother is here to take this job. It is also a job to be a wife, and our sister is here to take this job. If you do not regard being a husband as a job, you cannot be a husband, and if you do not regard being a wife as a job, you cannot be a wife.
The wife should never think that her husband will have the same opinion as she does. You may as well drop this dream now, because tomorrow you will wake up from this dream. Perhaps, you have awoken from it already. Perhaps, while the two of you were shopping the last few days, you awoke from that dream. The wife cannot expect her husband's opinion to be the same as hers, and the husband cannot expect his wife's opinion to be the same as his. You have to remember that your husband is an individual person, and you have to remember that your wife is an individual person. You must be prepared to accept this fact. Then what should you do? Many people consider that the only way is through compromise; they step back a little and close their mouth. Suppose you want to buy something red, and I prefer green. Since there is this difference, I let you choose the red and give up the green. But please consider that only the most foolish woman in the world would allow her husband to step back and shut up. He may be stepping back, but in his heart he is secretly saying, "I let her have her way this time, but..." You should never think that you have gained the upper hand. You have just put a hole in your boat with a nail. Nothing may leak out, but something will surely come in. The solution does not involve retreating or stepping back.
Thank the Lord that you are Christians, and it is easier to deal with this matter. This is not a matter of stepping back or giving way. You should allow the Lord to say what you should do. You should let the Lord be the "bad man." You do not have to allow your husband to be a "bad man," nor do you have to allow your wife to be the "bad man." Let the Lord be the "bad man." As the husband, you should put your proposal aside, and as the wife, you should put your proposal aside. Both the husband and the wife should put their proposals aside and together consider what the Lord is saying. If the Lord says to choose red, neither will have anything more to say. Christ must be the Head of the household. Brother, you are not the head of your household. Sister, you are not the head of your household either. The Head of the household is Christ. Just as Christ is the Lord who is controlling you in your personal life and living, so Christ should also be the Lord who is controlling your family affairs. If your wife insists that something should be done one way, then you should ask whether or not she is assured that this is the will of the Lord. I am not saying that you should merely step back; I am saying that you should step back to God. Those who fear God will not fabricate God's will. If she does not know God's will in the matter, you may be able to say, "I know what God's will is." However, if you do not know God's will either, you should say nothing and buy neither the red thing or the green thing.
The family is the place where one can easily become irritated. I believe no place on earth irritates a person more easily than the family. One common problem in the family is that some husbands complain that their wives have a quick temper, while the wives complain that their husbands have caused them to have a quick temper. Or the wives complain that their husbands have a quick temper, while the husbands complain that their wives have caused them to have a quick temper. We have to deal with this matter properly. Every time something like this happens, you have to ask whether the other side provoked you or whether you provoked the other side. The one who loses his temper has sinned, but the one who caused the other to lose his temper has also sinned. If the husband is nice, quiet, and gentle but the wife is quick and impatient, there will be no peace in the family. A wife may be quick and impatient, but her anger is often aroused by her husband. Many people are impatient because others force them to be impatient. We often encounter problems in the family, and we believe that the blame belongs to the other person. However, we should not think in this way. We should ask whether we have contributed to the other person's blame. This kind of thought will help build a good family.
Let me give an illustration. Many wives complain that their husbands are not generous in spending money. Of the many wives that I have met, at least eighty percent have this thought. It is often true that the husband is hesitant in spending money; he does not buy the utensils, food, and clothes that are needed. However, you must realize that there is a reaction for every action in this world. There are two sides to everything in this world. On the one side there is action, and on the other side there is reaction. If you want your husband to spend money, you must not spend money. This is a fact. A man does not have to speak with his mouth; he can speak with his eyes, ears, or actions. The word protestant means one who protests. Every person is constantly protesting. Man's condition is in a constant state of protest. The wife may say, "My husband does not want to spend money. Therefore, since he will not spend money on what is necessary, I will spend more." The husband may then say, "If you decide to spend so much, I will spend even less." The husband protests by his actions. His holding back is a kind of protest, whereas the wife's spending is also a protest. They smile at each other when they meet, they are polite to each other, and they say nothing with their mouth, but when one of them does anything, the other does exactly the opposite. They do not agree with what the other is doing, so they do it the other way. Soon matters become worse, and they do not understand the reason for the change. Brother, you should not say that your wife is a spendthrift. She is so good at spending money because you will not spend money. Sister, you should not say that your husband is stingy or reluctant to spend money. He does not want to spend money, because you spend too much money. Both sides are maneuvering.
A family is often like the pendulum of a clock. One minute it is on one side, and the next minute it is on the other side. If you push it to one side, it will swing all the way to the other side. But if you put it in the middle, it will no longer swing. This is the way between the husband and the wife. If the husband puts the pendulum all the way to one side, he may be trying to hold his wife to one side, but the more he tries to hold her to one side, the more she will swing to the other side, and the whole family will be thrown into turmoil. The husband will push to one extreme, while the wife will push to the other extreme. This is where the problem lies. Brothers, please remember that this is where the greatest problem in a family lies; this is where husbands and wives fall most easily into arguments. If there is a problem in your family, you should immediately consider, "Have I provoked her in anything? What have I done or what attitude of mine has caused her to act this way?" Please remember that whatever she does may not be that serious. The more serious matter involves what you have done to affect her behavior. Behind all the arguments and problems in a family are the standoffs within the family.
When I visit others' homes, it is mainly for the purpose of acting as a reconciler. Although I am not that old, I have done a great deal of reconciling work. I often point out the reason for a couple's protests. One time I was a guest in a family. Both the husband and the wife were not young; they were middle-aged. At the table, one was speaking one way, and the other was speaking another way. After one said something, the other overturned what the first one said, and vice versa. This went on and on. The two of them did not know what they were doing. Yet as an outsider, it was very clear to me. Later, they turned to me and asked, "What is happening with the two of us? There is really nothing wrong with us. Yet we cannot say that we are all right. There is really nothing bad about us, yet we cannot say that there is anything good. There is nothing spiritually wrong with both of us. We do not hate each other. Yet neither do we love each other. What is happening with the two of us?" I told them, "You are trying to outmaneuver each other." They asked what I meant. I pointed out how they had been maneuvering. They laughed and agreed with me readily. Please remember that you have to pay attention to the matter of adjustment. You have to adjust yourself properly. Today is the wedding day for both of you. It is also the day of your inauguration into your jobs. As you live together, you will find that there are many wonderful days ahead of you. You have to commit everything into the Lord's hand. As the husband, you should not step back, nor as the wife should you step back. Let the Lord speak to you in everything. If you want to deal with this matter properly, you must not protest in attitude or in action. I hope that in five years, we will have another wonderful family. Someone said that any book published by the Shang-wu Printing Company had to go through twenty-three proofreadings. Perhaps five years from now, the two of you will have gone through your twenty-third "proofreading." I mean that you have to spend time to adjust yourselves. If you do not spend the time, you will be the same five or ten years from now. You will still be dragging along on your side while she drags along on her side. If you will deal with this matter properly, I hope that we will see a splendid family life in five years. May the Lord bless the two of you!
